FATHER'S RIGHTS

Jesus was writing a letter to the editor of his local newspaper. He was appalled after reading a story about a young mother of two who had mercilessly killed a puppy with cancer. She didn't give the puppy cancer, it already had cancer, and the mother had it put down to ease it's pain.  But euthanasia is a sin! "Humans don't have the right to play God," Jesus said. "If God willed that puppy to suffer, then that asshole puppy must've done something horrible, like chew up the Pope's hat, or pee in his Pepsi or sell dog secrets to the cats."

Jesus decided to give up on writing the editor and take matters into his own hands. He didn't know the puppy, but he knew the young mother, and where she lived. He knew because he was the father of her children, and he had to send her monthly child support checks. Anyway, she had to be punished for going against God's will, and also for failing to bring the kids to Jesus' court ordered monthly visit!

The problem was the 500 yard restraining order. Jesus would need someone to go revenging for him. Vlade Divac still owed him a favor. He called Vlade and gave him the particulars, and Vlade was on the next flight over.

Jesus picked Vlade up from the airport, and Vlade made some predictable joke about his arms being tired, which caused Jesus to roll his eyes. But Vlade was too tall to fit in Jesus' Trans Am, so Jesus cut his legs off at the knees, causing Vlade to bleed out, and Jesus to get arrested for murder. Jesus didn't mind though, he'd definitely find someone in prison to kill that bitch.

JESUS' GUIDE TO SURVIVING ARMAGEDDON

Jesus was down on Earth again, telling all the regular folk how to survive the up-coming Armageddon he'd accidentally unleashed while working on his secret formula that would end brain-freeze for good. He showed them all how to build strong shelters, and raise and slaughter geese and stuff and also how to have heterosexual sex for procreation purposes. People started getting upset, because he was demonstrating these things on other people's wives, and other people's geese. After he'd been going around the world demonstrating for fifty years or so, people started to wonder where this fucking Armageddon was anyway.

Jesus noticed people getting antsy, and conjured up earthquakes and such. Little did the morons know, that all the shelters, geese and brothels were owned, sold and operated respectively by Jesus' friends, and everyone was making money. But one man was wise to Jesus' scheme.

Arnold Schwarzenegger figured it all out, but when he tried to tell people, they all just nodded and smiled like they always did. He'd need help if he was going to stop Jesus. But who could he turn to? He needed, not only, someone who could understand he wild, over-mouthed words, but someone who would take him seriously. His search seemed endless. No one could possibly meet those criteria.

So Arnold did the one thing he knew best, he went to the gym and shot himself full of steroids. Then, he picked up some machine guns and headed to Jesus' corporate headquarters. He burst into the lobby and started killing people indiscriminately. He got in the elevator and hit the penthouse button, and then Armageddon came, proving that Jesus had been telling the truth all along, and boy was Arnold's face red.