REVOLUTIONIZING THE PARTY SUPPLY INDUSTRY

Jesus was opening his own party supply store. He had balloons and helium, he had tablecloths and napkins, he had.... Where were the hats? "How can I open a party supply store with no hats!?" Jesus screamed at the Mexicans he'd picked up outside the Home Depot.

He found an online party hat maker, but he didn't like any of their designs. He found an option to submit his own designs and decided to get creative. He wanted pictures of balloons, and cakes and fireworks. Then he had the idea to combine all three into the ultimate party supply. He would call it the Phylicia, in honor of his favorite aunt, Phylicia Rashad.

Jesus ordered his hats, and then set about making the Phylicia. He already had the balloons, and there was a bakery next door for the cake, but he'd have to go somewhere else for the fireworks, somewhere where freedom is more important that safety or responsibility. So he tasked the Mexicans with ordering cakes and blowing up balloons, then he flew up to Heaven.

Usually, you can only find fireworks for sale in Heaven in December, which is like the fourth of July in Heaven, but Jesus knew a guy named Larson who could get anything, anytime. Larson came through, and Jesus went to work.

The idea was to blow up the balloons with the fireworks inside, then bake the cakes with the balloons inside. Jesus lost three ovens and a thumb perfecting the recipe. Eventually, he had six Phylicias ready to go. Now he only needed to sell them to children for a tidy profit. The problem was, at this point, he needed $20,000 for each Phylicia in order to make a profit.

One day the phone rang, it was a rich politician whose daughter was having a sweet sixteen party, and he was sparing no expense. Jesus got him to pay handsomely for all six of the Phylicias.

According to the news, twelve people died at that party, and thirty were injured. But Jesus never found out for sure if that were true. He fled to Mexico, and retired with a day laborer named Juan and a box full of party hats.

JESUS AND THE SOAP-BOX RACER

Jesus was building a soap-box racer for the big father/son downhill race, but his dad was too busy “running the universe” to help him build his car. Of course, Jesus knew his dad was really just deathly ill. It started with a cough a few months ago, and of course some aches and pains. He had been anxiously awaiting the results of his blood tests and Jesus had been wandering in and throwing tools at him and dropping other subtle hints that they should be working on the downhill racer, or the Deadly Panda, as Jesus had named it. But God kept mumbling about wasting his whole life raising Jesus and never accomplishing anything worthwhile.  

He used to dream about owning a bookstore. He wanted to sell tacos out front and porno in the back. But then imaccidentally conceived Jesus with some random sleeping girl, and was forced to raise him on his own. Now it looked like he might die and he’d never get his chance. “You know what’s worthwhile Dad?” Jesus asked, “Downhill racing. Just think, if we win the race you wont be a complete and utter failure, and your life wont be meaningless, you wont wish you’d never been born, you can finally be proud of something, you…” 

Jesus was in the middle of cheering God up when God got the phone call. Jesus wandered off as his dad listened intently into the receiver. “Thank you,” God said as he hung up the phone. Jesus came back in with some more tools to throw at God. God looked him square in the eye and said, “Son, you’re never going to be able to do everything in life you've always wanted. It’s a cruel world out there and you've got to be able to watch your own sack. Now I've got to go find a team of Mexicans to build my taco/porn bookstore and get to work.” And with that, he put on his God-robe and headed out the door down Home Depot-way.