JESUS IN THE WOMB

Way back before Jesus was born, he used to roam through the vast caves of his mother’s uterus. One time, he found an old projector and a film reel labeled, “The Joy of Lacrosse.” “Oh no!” unborn baby Jesus said, “no wonder Mom was a virgin, she’s a total dyke.”

Jesus kept rooting around the movies and came across a note addressed to unborn baby Jesus. He snatched it up with his stubby little baby hands and read it. It said, “Dearest baby me, it’s me, Jesus old. I remember the womb sucking ass, so I’ve snuck in and hidden various objects and given you a treasure map. But beware, because our older cousin, Ralph, was terribly jealous when he found out my plan, so he booby-trapped the womb with napalm. If you burn your face, you’ll never be able to grow my trademark beard!”

So, unborn baby Jesus put on his sleuth hat and turned to say something clever, and SNAP! he stepped in a bear trap. “Damnit!” he shouted, “now I’ve got to walk with a limp for the rest of this story!” Jesus, even as an unborn baby in the womb was always self-conscious about his appearance, so he took a few minutes and covered his wound in a rhinestone studded bandage. Then he saw a note on the bear trap. It was from the older Jesus and said, “P.S. the bear trap wasn’t left by Ralph. I always wanted to get someone with a bear trap. I regret that it had to be you, because you’re me. Now find that fucking treasure already!”

So unborn baby Jesus waddled off and turned a corner, and there it was, the treasure. “Wow, I guess I thought there were more places to look.” So he sat there wearing a crown, watching lacrosse films and waiting to be born.