CASTAWAY

Jesus was driving around the world in his Previa minivan/jet that he built himself.  It didn’t use regular fuel, though, it ran on faith.  It got power every time a child sang “Jesus Loves Me.” But Jesus actually hated children, and thanks to a report on “Dateline,” everybody knew it.  So everyone stopped singing happy songs about Jesus, and his jet-van came crashing down somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Jesus woke up on an island, naked.  “Damn it!” cried Jesus.  “I knew I should have built it to run on the souls of aborted babies.”  He went out in search of natives to terrorize and molest and what not, “And when I find ‘em, they better have some night clubs so I can dance, naked.”

Jesus wandered for like two weeks and found nothing.  So he did his puppy rain dance and puppies rained from the sky.  Jesus had a big ass barbecue, and also made some pants and a little hat.

While he was cooking breakfast the next day, he was startled by something, but he wasn’t sure what, so he decided to investigate.  First, he’d need to build a startle-o-meter, then he’d need to test it on somebody.  So he built his machine and then did his hot chick rain dance, and hot chicks rained from the sky.  The fall from the sky left all these hot chicks crippled or dead, so they were easy to catch and bone.

Jesus hooked some chicks up to his startle-o-meter and started pretending to punch them, and yelling “Boo!” or “Look a bear!” or “Look a penis!”  After weeks of testing, he was ready to find out what had startled him earlier.  Turns out it was just the wind.  So he did his fat chick rain dance, and fat chicks rained from the sky.  He carved one out and canoed his way to civilization.