Jesus was wraslin’ a bear out in the Ozark mountains , when a gang of roving hillbillies came along and started ho downing right in front of him. Little did Jesus know that this was just a clever distraction. As he and the bear just stood there and clapped and smiled, several hillbilly children snuck up behind them and used their hillbilly mind powers to trick Jesus into thinking that he was a bumble bee.
Jesus buzzed about the world for ten thousand years before coming to his senses. He found that the world was now ruled by giant panda bears, naked panda bears! They were peaceful leaders, but they wouldn’t take Jesus seriously. He eventually had to turn some water into wine, and get them all horribly fucked up and get them laid before they believed he was a god.
“But we always believed that we were made in the image of God,” said their leader. Jesus laughed and laughed. He laughed for ten thousand years. And when he came to his senses, he found that the world was now ruled by beautiful flower people.
It was a confusing time because Jesus needed to take a dump and everywhere he squatted down some creepy flower dude would turn around and molest him. And they were all obscene about it, they would shout to their friends, “Look at me! I got a stem up his nose!” They all laughed until Jesus finally used his Jesus mind powers and blew up the earth.
Once in heaven, Jesus was relieved to find that none of the flowers or pandas were in heaven. Also, I guess it was all a dream or something.
I always wondered what Jesus would dream about if he dreamed at all.
ReplyDeleteThere's a real lack of character development in the Bible, it doesn't really tell you what kind of a guy Jesus is at all.
ReplyDeleteInstead of molesting Jesus, wouldn't it have been more profitable to take some of the J-shit and post it on ebay? tk
ReplyDelete