JESUS GOES TO HELL

            Jesus had been having nothing but trouble on Earth, so he decided to kick it in Heaven for a while.  Besides, the big sumo match between Buddha and Andre the Giant was tomorrow.  At last years sumo match, he had a few too many beers and nachos, and he spent most of the match in the loo.  But this year he was intent on cheering for his old nemesis, Andre.  They used to hate each other, but made amends after Andre hooked Jesus up with his sister Andrea.  She looked pretty much like her bother, but with one key difference.  Andrea refused to give to charities.  And nothing turns Jesus on more than indifference.

            So anyway, Jesus met up with all the apostles except one (Judas, that rat bastard) for a big party at his luxury penthouse flat.  Pope Pious VI crashed the party with some chicks, drugs and party hats.  It was a good time for everybody, until Jesus’ old man called the cops.  Jesus threw himself on the floor and beat his fists on the ground. 

            “You don’t love me!” he cried, “I’m going to live with Uncle Satan!”

            “Fine, you go live with your uncle, but when you end up dead in a gutter, don’t come crying to me!”

            “Sweet,” cried Jesus “no more rules for me.”  And with a wave of his middle finger, he was packed and ready to go.

            When he arrived in Hell, Satan greeted him with a hug.  “Sorry I missed your birthday, kid.”

            “That’s cool.  I peed in your Pepsi a little while ago.”

            “You know kid, if we combined our powers, we could easily conquer the world.”

            “I don’t think so.  Running the world turned my dad into a square.”

            “Yeah.”

“Plus on Earth, those girls shave off all their body hair.”

“Gross!”

            So Jesus and Satan spent the day with Hitler and Stalin, gang banging Marilyn Monroe.  And that night, they had some lobster.

            Jesus’ voice over: “You know, I’ve spent a lot of time with that uncle of mine.  But I’ll never forget that time that God and me beat the Atlanta Falcons to win Super Bowl XVII.  Those were the best days of my life.”

            Remembering the good ol’ days made Jesus homesick.  He began to think, maybe God wasn’t so bad after all.  So he punched Satan in the throat, grabbed his lobster and went home.