Jesus got home from a party one afternoon and caught an
episode of Oprah and decided he needed to lose some weight. He’d put on a few
pounds since the crucifixion and cheese party that he threw every year on the
anniversary of the first time he had cheese. Oprah suggested diet and exercise,
but Jesus had a much faster idea in mind… laxatives.
For four weeks, Jesus ate nothing but laxatives and cat food
and cheese and drank nothing but Mexican water, imported via mole to Heaven. He
lost a lot of weight and started to get more and more sickly looking. Then one
day, some of his beard started to fall out and he rushed to the hospital.
After an extensive battery of tests, the doctor told Jesus
that he had AIDS. The doctor told him that he should rent the movie Philadelphia
He went to the West side of Heaven to see his old friend,
Eazy E. What most people don’t know about Eazy E is that he didn’t die from
AIDS, he died of Pantheritis (being eaten by a panther) but he had his AIDS
fully under control. His secret was panther urine, but there are obvious
dangers associated with the collection process.
So Jesus got depressed, he felt there was no hope for him.
Then he got angry and decided to infect as many people as possible with his
AIDS, and he knew just where to start… Oprah.
He figured if he could get Oprah to get infected with AIDS by
him, then all her fans would pay dearly for a lick.
Jesus snuck into Oprah’s dressing room and dipped his weenie
into her coffee. But Jesus was caught by security before Oprah drank the
coffee.
So Oprah watched Jesus die, slowly, from AIDS and laughed and
had her highest rated episode ever.
