The plan worked like this: get everybody drunk and teleport them to Philadelphia or Pittsburgh or wherever the fuck they hide that thing, and use them to distract the guards while he climbed up on the bell and had some drunk meat-heads climb under it. And then he’d ride it to freedom.
But the people of Philadelphia, yes it’s definitely in Philadelphia, take their bell guarding duties seriously. They didn't fall for the people of Chicago’s distraction. The guards fell upon the meat-heads like Rosie O’Donell on a ham sandwich that’s been slathered in mayonnaise and deep-fried in animal fat. Jesus jumped right in and started beating the meat-heads, claiming that protecting the bell had been his plan all along.
He was given many awards for bravery, and courage and personal hygiene. The president held a big ceremony at the White House and the Liberty Bell was flown in by helicopter and given a machine gun.
Jesus partied down at this shindig and got all drunk and put on his adult diapers. And when it came time to have his picture taken with the bell, he threw several baby chickens and one adult chicken into the crowd, as a distraction, grabbed the bell, machine gun and all, and flew off.
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