Jesus was sitting at home eating ice cream and playing video games when his girlfriend, Virginia, called and said she was pregnant. Jesus told her she had the wrong number and hung up. Two hours later, she knocked on his door. Jesus hid in the attic and threw rocks at her through the little attic window.
Virginia had been expecting Jesus' rock throwing tactic, as it was his preferred method of dealing with Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and black people. The rocks bounced harmlessly off her hard hat as she yelled, "I'm not leaving!"
Jesus had been expecting Virginia's hard had tactic, as she'd seen him throw rocks at literally thousands of people. Luckily, any minute now, Jesus' uncle Satan would be there to take Jesus fishing in Hell. He would know what to do.
Just then, Satan appeared in a pillar of fire. He was wearing a fishing hat and vest with all sorts of lures on them, and rubber fishing boots. "What are we doing in the attic?" Satan asked. Jesus explained, and soon Satan had devised a plan both brilliant and diabolical.
"Diarrhea," he said.
"That's brilliant!" Jesus shouted as he turned to stick his ass out the window and poop diarrhea on Virginia.
"No," Satan shouted. "We give her diarrhea, then laugh while she poops her pants."
"It's subtle," Jesus opined, "but it just might work."
Much to the surprise of both Jesus and Satan, Virginia had been expecting this tactic. She crossed her arms and diarrheaed defiantly into her adult diaper. "I'm still not leaving!" she yelled. So Jesus was forced to spend the next eighteen years raising his bastard daughter.
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