MR. JESUS GOES TO WASHINGTON

Jesus was sick of girls turning down his indecent proposals, so he decided to run for Congress. His local Congressman, Pedro Salazar, was too Mexican for Jesus anyway so he turned him into a Frenchman named Pierre Sevousplaisez, but that was too French, so Jesus killed him… violently, with a cinderblock.

So Jesus started his campaign. His big platform issue was, "Pants, who needs them?" Jesus had tried hard for centuries to get everyone to ditch their pants and follow his tan-dress wardrobe ideas. He had a highly publicized business failure a while back; nobody wanted to wear Jesus’ dress. So he was going to make it a law that everyone had to wear dresses, and chicks had to wear really short dresses, and no panties.

He won by a landslide, but only because he was running unopposed. So Jesus set about interviewing interns at a D.C. kindergarten. "The trick is to get ‘em young," Jesus explained to the teacher, "that way you can train ‘em not to call the cops when you do illegal shit." The teacher just stared at Jesus with a horrified expression on her face, so Jesus picked up a chair and beat her until she was unconscious. Then he grabbed two little girls up under his arms and smashed through the window to freedom.

Jesus’ limo driver, Theo, had slashed all the tires in the parking lot so no one could follow. Once they were safe in Jesus’ high security compound, Jesus kissed Theo on the cheek then punched him in the kidney. This was Jesus’ way of saying, "Good job Theo, but you’re fired anyway!" Theo didn’t get it, so Jesus spelled it out in a little note and shoved it up Theo’s nose.

Then he took the two girls up stairs and prepared the cages they would call home. Just then, Theo came up the stairs with a samurai sword. "The girls are rightfully mine!" Theo shouted.

"What? By what logic?" Jesus asked, incredulously.

"Alright, we’ll split ‘em 50/50, length-wise."

"I don’t negotiate with boners!"

"Boners?!" Theo yelled as he lunged at Jesus. Jesus busted out his nunchucks and they battled for just long enough for the girls to get away and call the cops.

Jesus and Theo spent a few years in prison together and became good friends again, until Jesus stole Theo’s Jello….