QUEST FOR THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE

Jesus was doing the laundry one-day when he found a cat’s head in the dryer. "It must have fallen out of my pocket," he said. But as he examined it further, he realized that it wasn’t his. This started him on his famous quest to find the hottest chick in the universe.

He knew just the place to start looking, Rob Schneider’s house. So he called Rob and told him he needed his help to find the hottest chick. But Rob just laughed and told Jesus that if he even looked at one of his hoes, he would tell everyone how Jesus got to be assistant manager over at the bowling alley. Jesus decided that he didn’t want people to hear about him and his plot to climb the corporate ladder with his one good hand.

His next idea was to set up a trap inside the local strip club. It was a crude trap consisting of a Japanese businessman under a box propped up with a stick. Jesus caught plenty of strippers, but they were all old and full of herpes.

So he hopped on his flying kayak and was off to planet Globoolack. Globoolack had long boasted the hottest chick in the universe, but she was paved over to make way for a strip mall parking lot. But Jesus was sure there would be an almost equally hot chick somewhere on this silly purple planet. So he started tearing the roofs off of homes until he found some hot chicks, whom he shook up until they barfed. Then he smashed up the town a little more.

Then, Jesus looked to the sky and found what he was looking for. She looked like Keeley Hazell, Lexi Belle and Flo from the Progressive commercial all at once, only way hotter. Jesus came in his pants, then he went home, had a shower and went to sleep, his task completed.