JESUS AND THE PIZZA DEFENSE BOT 5000

Jesus always saved his change.  At the end of the day, he’d come home and pull all of the change out of his pocket and put it in a sock.  Then, he’d sit back, relax, order a pizza and beat the pizza guy with a sock full of change until he’d just give the pizza to Jesus.

But today, things would be different.  See the pizza joint was hip to Jesus’ plan, so they built the Pizza Defense Bot 5000, or Joe, as he’d been nicknamed by the engineers who built him.  So anyway, Jesus ordered his pizza and readied his weapon for the melee.  The doorbell rang, Jesus’ fist tightened around the sock, he opened the door, WHAM! Girlscout down! 

Jesus had a flashback of Vietnam, or Franco-Prussia, or his grandmother’s funeral or something ‘cause he started jumping from rooftop to rooftop, beating down everyone he came across.

That defense bot Joe thing came rolling around the corner with a little hat on, and his Jesus-targeting lasers armed.  Jesus bashed him with the coin-loaded sock, no effect!  Joe’s lasers fired, but Jesus was in full combat mode.  He jumped to the right, and the laser blast only singed his sandal.  Then Jesus’ senses returned to him; he had full control of his faculties.  He pulled out his secret weapon, a rocket launcher. Time seemed to stop. It was a Mexican standoff, only not as filthy. They stood fifty paces apart and glared at each other for a good twenty seconds. Jesus could sense Joe’s mind weakening. He raised his eyebrow and intensified his glare. He began altering Joe’s programming with his mind. Turning him from the Pizza Defense Bot to the Jesus Defense Bot! Then the two of them teamed up and started smashing up the place, twice as good!

Jesus and his robot pal became good friends, and even went to China together, but they had some trouble with the rickshaw driver and decided to leave without tipping him.  Then, the pizza engineers found out that Joe had betrayed them, so they activated his self-destruct program.  Jesus could do nothing but watch his friend implode, and then go for revenge, rich, soupy revenge.

So Jesus got on a bus headed for Pizza Inc. HQ.  The bus was full of people who were on their way home from a soccer game, so they were all sad.  Jesus decided to sing a few songs to cheer everyone up.  While he sang, he added these backwards brainwashing messages, and had everyone on the bus go to the pizza place and start a riot to distract the guards while Jesus ran upstairs to find the president’s office.

Jesus ran right into the president’s office and grabbed that filthy mother-fucker by the throat, then put him down and filed a formal complaint.  The president apologized and gave Jesus a coupon good for one free pizza.