Jesus saw a bald eagle sitting in her nest high above the forest floor in some giant ass tree rising majestically next to a giant ass cliff-side, and knew then and there what his life’s purpose was… to raise some bald eagles from chicks and make them his personal bodyguards and sex slaves.
So he climbed up the tree but had to stop and rest on the way because he sprained his ankle. Luckily, this happened right next to a dragon’s cave. The dragon was a kindly old creature who took Jesus in and nursed him back to health.
Jesus and the dragon became the best of friends. They did everything together; they went to the movies, they did each other’s hair and they had jolly old pillow fights. Then one day, the dragon decided it was time to let Jesus in on his biggest secret; he didn’t believe in Jesus.
Jesus was stunned, and almost cried and started to slowly fade away until he was invisible. While he was invisible, he stole the dragon’s TV. Then he continued on his way to those darned eggs.
A little farther up the tree he found a balloon stuck on a branch with a note on it that said, “if found, please return to Susan at 425 West Eaststreet Avenue in No Name, Colorado.” So now, Jesus was bound by contractual obligation to return the balloon.
“Those fucking eagles are gonna be extinct before I get my mitts on ‘em!” he cursed. His only hope, as he flew (coach) to Colorado, was that Susan would be a hot older woman with hot young daughters.
She was, and she was also very happy to see her balloon in one piece. Jesus took the opportunity to ask her out, but she said, “No!” and told him to beat it out of there before she called the cops. He made some vague threats about returning later with some eye-clawing eagles, then went back to the forest.
But he was too late, the forest had been leveled to make way for a Wal-Mart. So he vowed revenge on the company, and has been rolling back their prices ever since. Unintentionally helping the corporation to make billions while still paying its employees basically nothing.
“Oh well,” said Jesus, “at least somewhere out there, someone is suffering.” Then he went home, beat off in the kitchen sink and went to bed.
If only Jesus understood the economy as well as the average Walmart shopper. Oh... he does.
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