Jesus was outside a restaurant, yelling at a valet for stealing his priceless Van Gogh original from the backseat. The owner of the restaurant came out to see what was the matter, and Jesus demanded compensation. He gave the owner two options: either pay Jesus $25 million, or let Jesus watch as the valet and the owner raped a homeless man.
The owner made a call to his bank before making any hasty decisions, but his funds were significantly lower than Jesus demands. Then he tried to negotiate, "Can't it at least be a homeless chick?"
"Where's the fun in that!?" Asked Jesus. Then he saw that the owner was serious. Jesus agreed to compromise by letting them rape a non-homeless man while he video taped them.
They all headed over to the senior center because the owner thought an older man might be easier to control. "Just make sure he's not a World War II vet or something," the valet said, "I'm not rapin' no war hero!" They looked around and found a man who looked like Woody Allen, only with Barney Fife's body. They lured him into the bathroom with some sick-ass black licorice.
The old man didn't go down without a fight, they beat him and raped him pretty good, and he was pretty sore, but he forgave them after they gave him the licorice.
Jesus went home feeling pretty good about himself. He pulled into his garage and saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turns out the Van Gogh was under the seat the whole time. "I guess I owe those guys an apology," Jesus said. Then he went inside to upload the video to the internet.
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