Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.
Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill. The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.
"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.
"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.
Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.
Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.
No comments:
Post a Comment