OJ AND THE J-MAN

Jesus was chasing chickens in an open field when he was suddenly abducted by hideous, one-eyed tentacled things.  He was being held in some kind of tractor beam and he had a real bad itch on his left thigh.  All he could do was pray, and whistle.

Finally they brought him aboard their craft.  It was a floating pirate ship, and these weren’t aliens, as Jesus had originally assumed, but demons from hell.  They’d been sent to take over the world, and only Jesus could put an end to this idiocy.  So they had to put him in some kind of holding cell so that he would be powerless to stop them.  They even bragged as they fire bombed Milan, Jesus’ favorite Italian city.  He used to luncheon there with Capriccio, his illegitimate son.  Now he was crying like a fat girl on prom night.

But Jesus found a way to escape his cell using nothing but his sandals and some strands of his hair.  Go on, use your imagination, do it!  Once free, he grabbed two demons and tied them into one long demon, and then he grabbed a bunch more and made a rope to climb down from the ship and escape on foot to call a real hero.

He called OJ Simpson, the actor, who showed black men everywhere that they didn’t have to put up with white women’s bullshit.  Jesus went to pick up OJ at the Nevada Prison where he lived.  OJ knew just what to do, first, hide in some bushes and wait.  They had waited in that bush for a good long while before deciding that the demons had moved on to some other part of the planet.

So Jesus decided to make OJ a deputy angel, and gave him all the super powers that come with the title.  They were flying together over Panama when OJ spotted the pirate ship.  He flew down, flaming sword in hand, and stabbed the demons OJ style.

But then, OJ refused to relinquish his new power.  He came at Jesus and tried to slash him.  So Jesus smacked him upside his fat head, took his sword and stabbed him Jesus style, which is a little more frisky.  Then he flew to a strip club.