Robot Jesus

Robot Jesus was in for his annual oil change, but this year, Mechanic Jesus, or regular Jesus… you know, Jesus, noticed a problem with Robot Jesus’ armpit modulator. The armpit modulator is the thing that loads rockets into Robot Jesus’ left arm, the rocket arm. “It’s a good thing I decided not to send you after Alan Alda,” Jesus said, “or you’d have blown yourself up, and I’d have forgotten all about you. And I’d have had to kill Alda myself. But now we can even do an upgrade, and really bust up some nuns.”

“Yes, nuns. The nuns shall pay,” replied Robot Jesus.

They spent the next eighteen hours rebuilding Robot Jesus, and laughing, and eating hotdogs covered in relish, sweet relish.

Once Robot Jesus was completed, they were off to Madre Maria Monastery in Puerto Rico on a double mission to slaughter nuns and Alan Alda, who was there recovering from his most recent bout with erectile dysfunction (nuns are good with that sort of thing.)

Anyway, they broke into the nunnery an hour before dawn and crept into every room, tied down all the nuns and set loose millions of bees. Not just regular bees, evil bees, very expensive, very deadly.

So after the nuns died, Robot Jesus crept into Alda’s room and turned on his buzz saw penis extender and proceeded to anally rape Alda while Jesus took pictures for his collection. Then suddenly Jesus said, “Wait a minute, that’s not the guy I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill Tom Selleck!”

“Oh yes, Magnum P.I. I hate that guy.”

So they pushed Alan Alda into a neat little pile on the floor, then flew off to Tom Selleck’s hideout in Malibu, or wherever.

But years of playing an unrealistic, mustachioed P.I. had left Selleck’s wits sharp as a buzz saw penis extender, so he was ready for them. When they arrived, they were greeted by an army of Robot Magnum P.I.s! The battle was epic, but it ended the only way it could, with Chuck Norris Victorious.