JESUS AND GOD AND SATAN'S BACK STORY

So a long time ago, God went backpacking through another galaxy and brought home an Alpha-Centaurian cold, then sneezed out the Sun and Earth etc. He also gave the cold to his little brother Satan and it ruined Satan's one chance with the girl of his dreams. Satan had to watch while Felicity had sex repeatedly with his and God's older brother Steve. Because his cold was so bad he couldn't get an erection.

Steve was the Ultra-Lord of the entire super cluster, and Satan was intensely jealous. And now, because of God, it seemed Satan's one chance at happiness was gone. The feud began on a small scale; black hole-throwing, toilet paper-hiding, friend-murdering, but it was Satan who first crossed the line when he convinced Eve to eat that apple.

God was so mad, he didn't know what to do at first. Then he had a brilliant idea, he'd bang some virgin, get her pregnant, then murder his own son violently and say to Satan, "Now look what you've made me do!" Satan felt so guilty that he decided to endow the son of God, that Jesus guy that everyone goes on about, with magic powers so that he would rise from the dead.

It took Satan three long days in the laboratory, but he finally got the recipe right. Jesus was so grateful that he promised to always be impartial when it came to Satan and God. God was, needless to say, pretty pissed when Jesus showed up at dinner that night.

God went straight to Satan's house and started smashing shit up until Steve showed up to find out what all the ruckus was. When Steve found out that his little brothers were feuding about some chick that he'd banged eons ago, he tied them together with toilet paper, peed on them then tossed them into a black hole.

SILLY WABBITS

Jesus was out hunting rabbits in the woods of Kentucky. He’d set up a clever snare using a bowl of Trix as bait. "Silly rabbits," Jesus whispered in the darkness, "Trix are for kids." Weeks went by, then months, and still no rabbits. "Damn it!" cursed Jesus. "What am I doing wrong?" Jesus would have starved to death by now if not for all those kids getting caught in his snare. But Jesus really wanted rabbits. For skinning mostly, but also for snuggling.

Finally, Jesus decided to hire an expert on rabbit hunting. He wanted Elmer Fudd, but after inquiring around, he learned that Fudd was fictional. "Damn it!" Jesus yelled again. "Who else hunts rabbits?" Jesus got discouraged and headed home. On the way, he saw a pet store and went in to buy some rabbit food. "Maybe it’s that dumb-ass Trix idea that’s holding me back."

He walked through the pet store door, and the first thing he saw was a cage full of rabbits. All his natural instincts took over. He opened the cage and snuggled the shit out of those cuddly bunnies. Then he skinned them and tried to sell the still bloody furs to the pet store owner. "Are you kidding me!?" the elderly shopkeep asked incredulously. So Jesus kept the furs, and made robes for his new bunny friends.

JESUS LOSES HIS MEMORY

             Jesus went down to Georgia with a banjo and a hobo pack. The local sheriff mistook him for a hippie and beat him with his club. And that's how Jesus got amnesia.

            He woke up in a pile of trash and started looking through his pockets for clues and bugs. He found an address for a town near Atlanta and headed off to the afore mentioned town near Atlanta.

 The address turned out to be a whore house called Big Eddie's House o' Whores. Eddie knew Jesus by the name Big Willy. He got that name in a poker game where he whipped out his measly cock and tried to use to cover a bet with Eddie. But Eddie was no fool. He insisted that Jesus throw in his balls and his prostate. Luckily, Jesus won the bet.

 Jesus asked Big Eddie, "Who am I?" "You're the fucker who took all my money!" This sudden aggression made Jesus tremble with fear and his magical voodoo powers began firing off all crazy and taking people out, left and right. Well not people actually, hookers. Big Eddie had never seen Jesus this upset, it scared him, a lot- I mean on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being scared a lot and 1 being not very scared at all, Big Eddie was a 10.

So he calmed Jesus down by tossing some plates at his head, eventually knocking Jesus unconscious. Then he took a shit and wrote a message on it in white out and slid it into Jesus' anus so that he would read it when he pooped it out later. The message said, "Eat at Phil's Diner," Jesus did, it was delicious. But he still had the problem of not knowing who he was.

So he hired a private detective. Big mistake. Dickface P.I. screwed Jesus over for $3000 and told Jesus to go to a psychic. He didn't know who he was, but he knew those fuckers were full of shit. After 10 years of frustration over his lost identity, the J man finally killed himself. Once in Heaven, Jesus remembered everything and went out for a beer.