Jesus was sitting at home counterfeiting condoms, when his rhythm was rudely interrupted by sexy cheerleaders who were going around door-to-door giving our free Michael Bolton tickets. "This isn’t charity," Jesus said, "you just want to get rid of these so you wont have to go see Michael Bolton yourselves!" So Jesus tied the sexy cheerleaders up with bungee cords and forced them to go to the show, naked and tied up and barfed upon.
Anyway, while he was walking around outside the show waiting to drive the girls home, he started looking into cars for treasure and stuff. He came across Michael Bolton’s car. He looked left and right, then sucked in his gut and squeezed through the small crack in the window and found out that ’84 Geo Trackers are as shitty on the inside as they are on the outside. Then he found an envelope full of pictures of Kenny G. playing his gay saxophone while Bolton blew him. So he put the pictures in his pocket, replaced Bolton’s condoms with counterfeits and headed to the stage, where he could out Bolton in front of dozens of his fans.
He found a back door and snuck in and pretended to be a hot groupie by cutting his robe short and showing some cleavage. He slowly made his way to the stage, but on the way he took a wrong turn and ended up in the lady’s room. At first the ladies screamed, but once they were all gagged and duct taped to toilets and barfed upon, they really seemed to appreciate the pictures. And then even more so when Jesus explained that they weren’t of him but of Michael Bolton.
So he moved on to the little backstage room, where he was assaulted sexually by several roadies and a guy who kinda looked like Luigi from Super Mario Bro. He made it to the stage just in time to hear the last number and then jump on stage with the pictures held high. But no one seemed to mind. One old lady was heard to say, "Something about seeing a man suck another man off is just sexy!"
Anyway, Jesus made a mental note to ban Bolton from heaven, and thus began yet another battle between Jesus and his Uncle, the Devil.
Oh, I take this very personally. tk
ReplyDeleteIt's a proven fact that 99% of male celebrities that women are infatuated with are gay.
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