Jesus was planning to make the world's largest ice sculpture out of a glacier in Alaska. The only problem was that it was protected as part of Glacier National Park, so he'd have to be sneaky. There was a small team of glacier-hugging ice hippies guarding the glacier led by this guy, Tom. He was the coldest, hardest, whitest ice hippy Jesus had ever seen, and he'd seen them all. This Tom guy even held a penguin upside down while she was laying eggs one time to see if it would end global warming. But it just pissed the penguin off, and she left Tom with a nasty scar on his left nipple.
Anyway, Tom and his merry band had chained themselves to the glacier, right where Jesus intended to carve Pat Sajak's nose. Jesus looked over his plans and tried to figure out if he could flip the glacier over and use that side, but it was a logistical nightmare. He decided to resort to trickery. He disguised himself as a hippie by... actually, after looking down at himself, he realized he didn't have to change anything.
So Jesus walked up and asked Tom if he could "get in on this gay hippy protest?" Tom was suspicious, but there was no denying that the protest was gay. So he tossed Jesus some chains and pointed out the best spot to chain himself.
"But that's where Pat's chin dimple goes!" Jesus accidentally blurted out. The ice hippies were on to him, but luckily, these retards were chained up already. Then Tom pulled out his secret weapon, a key, and unchained them all and yelled, "Get him!"
Jesus was done for. Just then, Sarah Palin came by with a shotgun and killed all the ice hippies, slowly and meticulously. Like a man almost. Anyway, Jesus boned her good, carved Sajak's face and went home with a genuine sense of accomplishment... for once.
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