Jesus had recently been suffering from intense sneezing fits. The kind where you sneeze so hard your muscles get sore and you can't control your anus, which is also sore from sneezing. He concluded that he must be allergic to something, probably some sort of plant.
He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.
Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.
He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.
Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.
Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.
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