Jesus was lying naked on a cloud in Heaven, trying to get a suntan, but it seemed like every time he got comfortable, some other cloud would float in and block the sun. He needed somebody to control these jackass clouds for him. Someone who would also not laugh at his naked body. His mental list was dwindling. Then he felt the sun on his body again, the clouds had moved. Then another cloud blocked the sun. "Damn!"
Jesus pulled his iPhone from betwixt his legs and called Demi Lovato, of Disney Channel and banging Wilmer Valderrama fame. He told her that he needed her in Heaven right away. Demi began planning her suicide. The problem with suicide is that it lands you in Hell, which Demi found out after slowly suffocating herself with an expensive belt.
Demi found the Devil and asked where she could find Jesus. Satan pulled a Blackberry from betwixt his legs and phoned Jesus. "Jesus," he began, "there's a young woman here for you.... I don't know, maybe a seven....No, she's not pregnant.... What's your name sweetheart?" Demi introduced herself to Satan, who told Jesus.
"What!?" shouted Jesus. "I told that meatball I needed her here!"
"Did you commit suicide?" Satan asked Demi. She nodded with a smile. "Do you want to come get her? Or should I send her up the back way?"
"Aw, just keep her," Jesus resigned as he hung up the phone. The clouds were mostly gone now anyway.
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