SOYLENT JESUS

Jesus was contemplating the effects of cannibalism on the human psyche as he munched casually on John the Apostle’s deep fried forearm.  Suddenly, the door was kicked in by FDA agents.  “Cannibalism is illegal you son of a bitch!” said the head agent.

But Jesus wasn’t about to be taken to jail.  He Jackie Chaned the shit out of them and ran, never once putting down his tasty snack.  He ran to the nearest bus station and hopped on the next bus to Orlando.

When Jesus got there he was horrified to learn that Florida was filled with Floridians. So he ate some more hash brownies and devised a way to wipe out the whole city so that he could throw a huge rave and kill and eat all the unwed mothers who attended.

He found a heavy stick and ran down the street bashing in the skull of everyone he met.  “I’ll see you in Heaven!”  he shouted as he worked. Word got out, and soon the faithful were lining up to have their skulls bashed in.  Jesus even hired some punk kids to help him track down and kill all those people who didn’t want to die. 

Then after everyone else was gone Jesus told the kids to have a battle royale; only one kid could go to Heaven, and that kid shall be the toughest, meanest and most blood thirsty.

As they fought, Jesus forgot his original idea and wandered off.  He just kept on walking.  When he came to the ocean he just turned around and walked the other way.  Along the road Jesus met Emilio Esteves, of Mighty Ducks fame.  They shared tea, then Jesus ate him.