Christmas was just two days away and Jesus was up at the North Pole getting ready for his annual trip around the world where he would visit little children and give them things their parents wouldn’t approve of. Jesus was trying on his red suit made of inside out polar bear hide, when in ran one of the elves with an important note carved into his back. It read, “We’re all out of Pepsi!”
Jesus was so mad, he locked the elf in the closet and shoved the key up another elf’s nose then punched her. Then he jumped on his reindeer’s back and rode to 7-11. He ran in and grabbed a six pack, some beef jerky, some cigarettes and a copy of “Big Ass Quarterly”, his favorite periodical.
Jesus hooked the bag of goodies onto his reindeer’s antlers and took off. On the way back, he was attacked by the abominable snowman’s brother Hal, a tax accountant from Cleveland.
Hal threw fireballs at Jesus, but the reindeer dodged them all. So Hal resorted to plan B: reverse psychology. He yelled out to Jesus, “That’s fine, I didn’t want you to get hurt anyway. I just thought you were cold and would like some fireballs to warm you up.”
Jesus had been summoning up his powers, or “charging” them if you will, and thought, “You know, it is kind of cold, maybe a fireball is just what I need.”
So Hal saw his chance, and threw the biggest fireball ever. It missed, melted all the snow, and everyone for a thousand miles was burnt to a crisp except for Hal and Jesus.
“Thanks,” Jesus said as he removed his fur coat, “that’s much better.” Hal then drew his sword and charged Jesus, but he slipped in a puddle and broke his neck and died.
When news of Hal’s defeat reached the abominable snowman, he swore that vengeance would be his. So the next day, he dug around in Jesus’ trash can and found some naked pictures of Jesus as a baby. They were all pretty embarrassing and gross, especially the one where he fell in a big pile of goat shit.
The abominable snowman thought briefly of a childhood in a manger with all those animals and moochers. He even shed a tear of sorrow for Jesus. Then he sold the pictures to a magazine and made a bunch of money. Everyone laughed at Jesus and how lame his childhood was and stuff. And Jesus decided that nobody got any presents that year.
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