PILOT JESUS

Jesus was skydiving out of a plane he’d been flying with six people on board.  He had been flying around for a while and got bored, so he told a knock-knock joke, “Knock-knock,” he said.

“Who’s there?” said everybody else.

“Nobody,” he said.

“Nobody, who?” but when they looked to the cockpit, Jesus was gone.  Luckily, he’d left a crude drawing of himself masturbating while flying the plane, which showed his passengers how the controls worked.  So one dude, called Alfred, took the stick and jerked it wildly, and it shot hot goo on his face, and he screamed and crashed them all into a field full of cows.

Meanwhile, Jesus floated gently to the roof of a church, for a surprise sermon.  Everyone cheered and took pictures and sold them on eBay.  So Jesus went into his speech about how abstinence was the work of the devil, and how the bible was written by dudes who were high on goat piss (try it, it works).  Then he declared it orgy-time!

Everything was going great until some old man accidentally bumped into Jesus’ butt.  Jesus turned and picked him up by the neck and touched his butt.  Then Jesus declared it nap-time! When everyone was asleep, Jesus took all their money and belts.  Then, when they all woke up and had to hold their pants up, he took pictures and sold them on eBay. 

So Jesus walked into a field across the street from the church where he found two survivors from the plane crash eating the other four passengers.  “What are you doing?” Jesus asked.  “This is Wyoming, not the Alps.  There’s a McDonald’s a block away.”  So the survivors wandered away, ashamed of their cannibalism, leaving more meat for Jesus, all for Jesus.