JESUS THE ASSASSIN

Jesus was creeping around the jungles of Columbia. His mission was to assassinate Juan Valdez. He was three clicks out from his target’s military compound, so he decided it was time to change into his donkey costume. He made his way to the stables where he could take the place of Juan’s prized donkey, Pedro.

But when he got there he was struck with vivid memories of his early childhood and didn’t see the Columbian children sneaking up behind him. One young boy jumped up on Jesus’ back while another branded a big “I heart burritos” on his ass. Jesus jumped up and screamed. The poor boys tried to run, but Jesus had been angered and his inner beasts awoken and donkey costume set aflame.

He cut a terrible figure as he ran on all fours after the children, his burning fur lighting up the night like a demon from hell. Juan rushed out and shouted, “No Pedro! No!” he believe that his prize burro had gone mad or been possessed or something. There was only one thing to do, Juan thought as he took another sip from his cocaine-laced coffee, and that’s take a siesta.

So he went back to his room and lied down, but the burning burrow problem just wasn’t going away like he’d hoped. He pulled the covers up over his head seconds before Jesus pounced through the window. Foolish Juan prayed to Jesus to help him.

“Sphincter!” Jesus shouted as he ripped the blankets from Juan’s bed, thinking it meant “help me” in Spanish. You see, Jesus had a crush on one of the girls back in his high school Spanish class and could never focus on his verbs. Anyway, Jesus set the whole room on fire and, long story short, the price of coffee went up 12%.