Jesus was posing as a gentleman in the court of King Louis XIV of France. He had his eye on the Countess Du Sacrebleu, but she was too busy with her annoying little dog, Hacksaw, to notice Jesus. Jesus watched as she pampered this asshole dog all day. He peeked around corners and used a mirror to peek under her door and under her dress. There was never a time when she was without Hacksaw.
Jesus formed a plan wherein he would destroy the real Hacksaw, disguise him as the dog and take his place in the sexy Countess' heart. First, he'd need to distract the Countess. So he went out in the streets disguised as a peasant and started the French Revolution.
While all the nobles were looking out the window, fearing that the peasants would touch them with their dirty hands, Jesus slipped into the Countess' room, naked, and threw Hacksaw out the window. He slowly transformed into a dog. Once every hair was in place, he had to perfect his bark.
After three hours of practice, Jesus was still no good at sounding like a dog. He just sounded like a man, a bozo, a schmoe. He got angry and started yelling and cursing. He carried on for a minute before turning around to see an astonished Countess whats-her-name. "Hacksaw," she said, "you can talk?"
"Yes?" Jesus said.
Just then, peasants burst in and carried the Countess away to the guillotine. Luckily for Jesus, they weren't executing little dogs. One of the peasants brought Jesus home and gave him to his wife. She was dirtier than the Countess, but hey, a warm lap is a warm lap.
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