JESUS AND THE CHUPACABRA

Jesus, amateur spelunker, crawled deeper and deeper into the cave in search of Aztec gold.  Legend had it that when Cortez was betrayed by the Spaniards, he hid his gold in the mountains.  But it was cursed gold, any who found it, would one day eat a bug.  Jesus ate lots of bugs and couldn’t care less for the consequences, and even ate some bugs on the way for added strength and protein.

So Jesus eventually found the gold and went home and bought a mansion.  Years later, there was a knock on the door.  It was a chupacabra, there to enforce the curse.  But it turned out that the curse had been mistranslated, and Jesus had to be impregnated by a bug.

So, the chupacabra held Jesus down while a bug flew up his ass.  And soon, Jesus was having morning problems and crying his eyes out over his bug lover (he didn’t even call like he said he would).

So, Jesus had an abortion, much to the dismay of his hardcore fans.  The bug, the chupacabra and the ghost of Cortez were furious, but there was nothing they could do, as the curse only said that he had to be impregnated by a bug, but said nothing about giving birth.

But Jesus was worried that they’d try to impregnate him again, so he gave all his money to a local strip club and lived poor for the rest of his life, or until something else happened.