JESUS VS. THE BUG KING

            For weeks the news was full of bug problems; ants and roaches were found in every kitchen in America.  Christians prayed to Jesus for help, but Jesus said, “Who do you think I am, an exterminator?”  So the problem continued, and soon the bugs had eaten all of America’s children and Pop Tarts. 

            Jesus walked into the kitchenette of his fabulous Watts apartment and screamed like a little bitch when he opened the cupboard and saw cockroaches finishing off his last Pop Tart.  One by one, Jesus ripped off all their legs.  He pan fried them and ate them with garlic and melted cheddar. 

            Next door the hideous Bug King, Stan, heard the screaming of his poor minions.  He grabbed his scepter, put on his crown, and burst through the wall with fourteen hundred of his closest friends.  Jesus grabbed his nut sack and ran for it. 

            The Bug King gave chase.  Jesus saw that he was being chased, so he pulled out his banjo and played some chase music.  The bugs quickly surrounded Jesus and took him down.  “Get me my castrating spoon!”  yelled the Bug King.  One large cockroach brought Stan a tablespoon.  Jesus let out a hearty laugh, “You think you’re gonna castrate me with that?”  He then lifted his robe to reveal watermelon-sized testicles.  Stan scurried off in search of a bigger spoon. 

            Jesus squirreled and squirmed and tried to free himself, but the bugs were tough, too tough, Andy Richter tough.  Just then, Jesus’ good friend Matt came wandering by, squishing bugs, and he accidentally squished one of Jesus’ nuts. 

            Jesus screamed in pain and ecstasy, a sound that Matt was familiar with.  Matt helped Jesus up and they shared a passionate embrace.  Then they remembered that the Bug King was still lurking about.  So Matt took up Jesus in his arms and ran off into the sunset.  And Matt was never heard from again.