INTO THE WOODS

Jesus was hiding from the IRS in a hippie commune in Northern California. The leader of the commune was called Cornflower, and he did not like Jesus.  You see, a commune only functions when everyone contributes, and Jesus just treated all the hippies as his slaves.  Except Cornflower, he hated Cornflower right back, and tired to lead the other, less-leaderly, hippies in a coup d'etat to overthrow the hippie tyrant.

Most of the hippies loved Cornflower, because had a positive aura, and because he got the best weed. But Jesus had one key ally, Cornflower's teenaged son, Moon Whistle. Moon Whistle was tired of his father always dancing around naked and scaring off his friends and having sexual intercourse with his pets. Jesus sensed hesitation in the boy so he gifted Moon Whistle with a couple of magic powers to help keep the hippie slaves in line. He gave him the ability to fly, x-ray vision and super sperm.

Moon Whistle tried out his new x-ray vision on Pussywillow, the cute girl who grew the commune's sunflowers. He saw that she was terribly constipated, and recommended that she eat more fiber. Pussywillow, not knowing about the x-ray vision, thought that Moon Whistle must be spying on her, and knew about her intense hatred of fiber. She decided it was time to call her dad, Paul Webber! the IRS super agent assigned to bring Jesus to tax-related justice. Paul, not knowing about Jesus, took a three hour trip through the commune infested woods to bring his daughter home.

So, Pussywillow went home to Georgetown, and Moon Whistle slipped into a deep depression. While Cornflower consoled his son, Jesus crept up behind him and hit him with a shovel. Jesus took over and turned the commune into a successful sunflower conglomerate. But he failed to pay the corporate taxes and was forced to go back on the run.

Today, Jesus survives as a soldier of fortune. If you've got a problem, if no one else can help, maybe you can hire... Jesus! Duh duh duh duh dah dah dah dah.