Jesus was in a heated debate with the manager of the local car wash. The manager insisted that Jesus' space shuttle was too big for the nine foot clearance, but Jesus was sure that, with skill, he could make it fit. First, Jesus demanded to see the blue prints, then the manager's wife's boobs, then the restroom.
After a forty-five minute jerk session, Jesus came out to find his space shuttle stripped of all its parts. They'd even taken the fuzzy dice from his rear view mirror! Jesus saw some kids carrying away a rocket booster, but they insisted that it wasn't his.
Jesus had promised to fly a mission for Russian Space Command later that afternoon, and the Kremlin expected him to have his own, clean shuttle suitable for space exploration and pictures and stuff. Where was Jesus going to find another one at this time of the morning?
Jesus sat down on the curb and pondered his options. "There's no way around it," he told his pet lemur, "we're gonna have to steal one from NASA." But the lemur would have none of it, so it went to take a nap on a bench outside the car wash.
Jesus flew off into space to find NASA's newest space shuttle, the "Melissa Joan Hart." There were three astronauts on board, their names aren't important. Jesus pulled them all out at gunpoint and shuttle-jacked them. Then he piloted it over to the International Space Station and spray painted International Nerd Station on it.
Jesus then headed to Moscow. He accidentally knocked over one of the towers of St. Basil's cathedral when he landed. Anyway, the Russians hooked some space-nukes onto Jesus' shuttle, and that's how the Russians brought America to her knees.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
REVOLUTIONIZING THE PARTY SUPPLY INDUSTRY
Jesus was opening his own party supply store. He had balloons and helium, he had tablecloths and napkins, he had.... Where were the hats? "How can I open a party supply store with no hats!?" Jesus screamed at the Mexicans he'd picked up outside the Home Depot.
He found an online party hat maker, but he didn't like any of their designs. He found an option to submit his own designs and decided to get creative. He wanted pictures of balloons, and cakes and fireworks. Then he had the idea to combine all three into the ultimate party supply. He would call it the Phylicia, in honor of his favorite aunt, Phylicia Rashad.
Jesus ordered his hats, and then set about making the Phylicia. He already had the balloons, and there was a bakery next door for the cake, but he'd have to go somewhere else for the fireworks, somewhere where freedom is more important that safety or responsibility. So he tasked the Mexicans with ordering cakes and blowing up balloons, then he flew up to Heaven.
Usually, you can only find fireworks for sale in Heaven in December, which is like the fourth of July in Heaven, but Jesus knew a guy named Larson who could get anything, anytime. Larson came through, and Jesus went to work.
The idea was to blow up the balloons with the fireworks inside, then bake the cakes with the balloons inside. Jesus lost three ovens and a thumb perfecting the recipe. Eventually, he had six Phylicias ready to go. Now he only needed to sell them to children for a tidy profit. The problem was, at this point, he needed $20,000 for each Phylicia in order to make a profit.
One day the phone rang, it was a rich politician whose daughter was having a sweet sixteen party, and he was sparing no expense. Jesus got him to pay handsomely for all six of the Phylicias.
According to the news, twelve people died at that party, and thirty were injured. But Jesus never found out for sure if that were true. He fled to Mexico, and retired with a day laborer named Juan and a box full of party hats.
He found an online party hat maker, but he didn't like any of their designs. He found an option to submit his own designs and decided to get creative. He wanted pictures of balloons, and cakes and fireworks. Then he had the idea to combine all three into the ultimate party supply. He would call it the Phylicia, in honor of his favorite aunt, Phylicia Rashad.
Jesus ordered his hats, and then set about making the Phylicia. He already had the balloons, and there was a bakery next door for the cake, but he'd have to go somewhere else for the fireworks, somewhere where freedom is more important that safety or responsibility. So he tasked the Mexicans with ordering cakes and blowing up balloons, then he flew up to Heaven.
Usually, you can only find fireworks for sale in Heaven in December, which is like the fourth of July in Heaven, but Jesus knew a guy named Larson who could get anything, anytime. Larson came through, and Jesus went to work.
The idea was to blow up the balloons with the fireworks inside, then bake the cakes with the balloons inside. Jesus lost three ovens and a thumb perfecting the recipe. Eventually, he had six Phylicias ready to go. Now he only needed to sell them to children for a tidy profit. The problem was, at this point, he needed $20,000 for each Phylicia in order to make a profit.
One day the phone rang, it was a rich politician whose daughter was having a sweet sixteen party, and he was sparing no expense. Jesus got him to pay handsomely for all six of the Phylicias.
According to the news, twelve people died at that party, and thirty were injured. But Jesus never found out for sure if that were true. He fled to Mexico, and retired with a day laborer named Juan and a box full of party hats.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
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