JESUS IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

Jesus was deep sea diving off the coast of the Bahamas, in search of his favorite yacht which had been lost in an eerie way in the Bermuda Triangle.  Jesus decided it was time he tackled this mystery once and for all. Unfortunately, Jesus had signed up for a tourist diving service, and Steven, the tourist boat skipper, didn't want anything to do with the Bermuda Triangle, and neither did the newlyweds on their honeymoon who were diving with Jesus. But, know it or not, they were Jesus' team now, and they had a long day ahead of them.

Jesus waited until after a long dive to reveal his hidden stash of sandwiches. His crew ate their fill and then passed out due to all the drugs in the mayo. By the time they woke up, Jesus had already sailed into the heart of the Triangle. "And now we wait," He said.

"Wait for what?" Roger asked, groggily.

"For the sea monster, or the aliens, or the Devil or whatever," Jesus answered.

The others stared at Jesus like he was crazy, but then the weather changed suddenly. Clear skies turned to storm clouds and clam waters began to churn. An odd figure approached from the port... it was Jesus' yacht, upside-down. "That's not how it works!" Jesus shouted, "You're doing it wrong!" Then, with his diving gear on, he dove into the water to confront the sea monster that stole his yacht.

Under the water, Jesus found a high-tech under-water facility. He smashed through the window and went inside. Alarms went off, and metal shutters closed to seal the breach. Jesus stormed into the control room and found his annoying little brother, Ben, at the controls. "You!" Jesus shouted. Ben just laughed.

The pair argued for a bit before Ben agreed to let Jesus play with his ship stealing machine in exchange for Jesus not "telling dad." Steven, Roger and Mary were never seen again.

SOYLENT JESUS

Jesus was contemplating the effects of cannibalism on the human psyche as he munched casually on John the Apostle’s deep fried forearm.  Suddenly, the door was kicked in by FDA agents.  “Cannibalism is illegal you son of a bitch!” said the head agent.

But Jesus wasn’t about to be taken to jail.  He Jackie Chaned the shit out of them and ran, never once putting down his tasty snack.  He ran to the nearest bus station and hopped on the next bus to Orlando.

When Jesus got there he was horrified to learn that Florida was filled with Floridians. So he ate some more hash brownies and devised a way to wipe out the whole city so that he could throw a huge rave and kill and eat all the unwed mothers who attended.

He found a heavy stick and ran down the street bashing in the skull of everyone he met.  “I’ll see you in Heaven!”  he shouted as he worked. Word got out, and soon the faithful were lining up to have their skulls bashed in.  Jesus even hired some punk kids to help him track down and kill all those people who didn’t want to die. 

Then after everyone else was gone Jesus told the kids to have a battle royale; only one kid could go to Heaven, and that kid shall be the toughest, meanest and most blood thirsty.

As they fought, Jesus forgot his original idea and wandered off.  He just kept on walking.  When he came to the ocean he just turned around and walked the other way.  Along the road Jesus met Emilio Esteves, of Mighty Ducks fame.  They shared tea, then Jesus ate him.

BUM RAPE With Jesus as “Mr. July”

Jesus had been lifting weights for months to get ready for the Chippendale’s calendar, but it was having no effect; he still looked like a skinny little loser who’d been fasting in the desert for forty days.  So he called Helga, his personal witch for turning people into poop, and tricking other people into eating the poop, which is pretty fucked up when you think about it.  He usually puts a thin layer of poop inside a sandwich, and it’s not like they don’t even notice that it’s poop, I mean it’s poop, and that’s a pretty specific taste, you’d imagine. 

So Helga gave Jesus the name of a good plastic surgeon who would insert bags of silicone where most guys have muscles.  But when the surgeon saw how bad off Jesus was, he had to come up with a whole new plan.

He left for bum town and found himself a bum.  The bum was sleeping in an alley when the surgeon snuck up and tazzzered the shit out of him, then tossed him in the back of the truck. 

Back at the lab, billionaire genius, Jesus, was having his muscle pulled from his body, making way for new, bum muscles, and even a new penis.  

The surgery was a success. The photo shoot went off smoothly, and the calendar was released on time.  Millions of girls around the world masturbated to Jesus (Mr. July), thus damning themselves to hell, and fulfilling Jesus’ master plan.