Jesus had a crush on the shy girl next door. He would always see her walking her dog and he would think, “One day… I’m gonna tie her shoelaces together so she can’t run…” He stepped out of his front door one day and there she was, letting her dog poop in his yard. Jesus wasn’t mad though, because his yard was the ugliest on the block since his gardener Chip quit to go to Yale. Anyway, she was distracted by her dog’s bowel movement and Jesus saw his chance. He sauntered over to her and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but every time I see your grisly face it takes my breath away. Maybe I could take you to lunch today.” Which was uncommonly sweet of him.
“Yes I’d love that.” She replied. “My name is Paula Poundstone. I got that name from smashing babies with this big rock I carry with me sometimes.”
“My name is Jesus, I got that name by chance. My parents let all the animals and wisemen and stable boys put a name in a hat and then they picked one out for me. And the winner got to be part of my first miracle, where I covered his body with breasts and turned his blood to wine and suckled my way through puberty.”
Paula Poundstone was very smitten with Jesus and Jesus sure had a boner for her, a boner that only bologna had given him before.
They walked down to Del Taco and tied the dog up outside. They ate and laughed for hours. When they finally went outside again the dog was gone. “Who would steal a dog?!” exclaimed Paula.
“There’s only one person I know of who would do such a thing,” Jesus said, “But I’m innocent. I was with you the whole time.”
So Jesus started looking for clues so that he could find Paula’s dog and she would bang him. He found three hairs, the DNA of which matched that of Paula’s dog, probably. He also found Louie Anderson drinking what looked to be a glass of fresh-squeezed puppy juice. He hit him up about it and, sure enough, puppy juice. But the missing dog was not a puppy so they searched on.
The day grew long and the light grew thin and Paula started to cry. Jesus hated to hear her cry so much that he stuffed a diseased pigeon in her mouth and taped it shut. Then he went home to discover that it really was him who stole the dog.
No comments:
Post a Comment