JESUS AND TED THE DRAGON SLAYER

Fire raged through the American Mid-West; the devastation left by the Black Dragon.  The president pressed the red button on his desk and suddenly the night sky was lit up by… the Jesus Signal.

Jesus and his man ward, Ted the Dragon Slayer, sprang into action.  They ran into their bedroom closet and slid down the poles hidden there, all the way down to the bottom (which happened to be the stage at a strip club.)  Jesus and Ted looked at each other and laughed at the stripper clothes they were dressed in, then remembered they were in a hurry and ran off to the pentagon.

When they got there, the Secretary of Defense was all, “What do you need to save the day?”

To which Jesus replied, “I need twenty gallons of Pepsi, a big screen TV, a comfy chair, a bottle of baby oil and a copy of Bitches Behind Bars!”

And Ted said, “I’ll have the same, but make mine Burgerz behind bars.”

Jesus and Ted shared a good hard laugh.  Then Jesus pushed the secretary over a chair and magically transported himself and Ted, the Man Wonder, to the dragon’s hideout, or cave, or five star hotel or wherever he was, and concocted a great plan for victory.

“So tell me again this great plan, Jesus,” Ted said.

“Okay, but first we’ll need some supplies.  Quick, to the 7-11!”   And then they magically transported there.

At the 7-11, Jesus started sticking various items into Ted’s cloak because he didn’t have any money or pockets.  Ted got all nervous and lame, “What if we get caught?” he asked.  Jesus slapped Ted and said he’d bury him up to his neck in Rosie O’Donell’s swampy vagina if he didn’t do it.

So Ted, fearing his immortal soul would forever smell like swampy vagina, walked out with a bunch of shit from 7-11 and ran off.  Jesus saw his chance and called the cops and turned him in for the reward.  But when he found out there was no reward, he became furious and started rampaging through the American Mid-West, until he ran into the Black Dragon.

They wrestled, and hollered, and rammed, and burned, and spat, and gargled, and churned, and beat, and decapitated, and shared a moment, and cried, and jammed, and jellied, and tussled, and recapitated, and brawled, and rumbled, and squished, and shimmied and finally the dragon gave up and America was safe, no thanks to Ted.