SWEET JESUS PIE

One fine day, Jesus found an old recipe book of his mother’s and looked through it, hoping to find out how to make some tuna-noodle casserole, which was his favorite.  Then he came across the recipe for Mt. Dew, and, in an uncharacteristic display of altruism, he said, “I must destroy this, for the good of mankind, no matter the cost!”

So he put on his big rubber fisherman’s pants and poured in some milk and jogged off to the volcano on the other side of town.  There were also a couple of closer volcanoes, but he’d been caught throwing too many things in recently, so he opted for the further one.

He got as close to the ledge as he was man enough to get, when out from behind a bush came the ghost of Gerald Ford, of “Simpsons” fame. 

“Forget about that volcano,” Ford said, “and come with me to taste the most amazing pie in the universe.  That is, if you’re man enough.”

Jesus wasn’t man enough, so he decided to scream, pee his pants and run away in terror.  He had run for maybe six blocks when he remembered that he could fly.  So he grabbed an old lady’s purse and leapt for the heavens, but since he was already in Heaven, he just hit his head and fell down.  Luckily the milk he’d poured down his pants had churned its way into butter, well… pee butter, which softened his impact and left him feeling pleasantly greasy.

 By then, Ford had caught up to him and pulled out his mystical ruler with which he measured manhood (given to him by an ancient Chinese prostitute).  It turned out, that Jesus was just barely man enough to taste Ford’s pie.  Ford held out a fork with a warm bite of pie on it for Jesus, who reluctantly took the fork and ate the pie.

“It’s pretty good,” said Jesus, “what’s in it?”

“Moose boogers,” Ford replied.

Then they shared the rest of the pie and passed out in the park, drunk on love, love of pie.