JESUS AND THE OTHER GUYS

            Jesus was a big fan of barbershop.  He had just paid top dollar for a pair of tickets to see his favorite quartet, The Singing Slave Drivers.  Now all he needed was a date.  He busted out his little black book, flipped to a random page and picked the first name he saw, Rodney Dangerfield.  “Damn it!  I picked up the wrong little black book.”  Being too lazy to find his other little black book, the one with the hoes, and knowing that Dangerfield was also a fan of barbershop, he just said, “Fuck it.” 

            So he donned his best robe and a little bow tie, cast a magic spell and created some red roses and flew to Cleveland, OH.  Rodney was in the shower when Jesus arrived.  Jesus was a very impatient jerk, so he grabbed Rodney by the wrist and dragged him to the show wearing nothing but his shame.

            The show wasn’t very good.  It was only a duet because the other two guys killed themselves when they realized they sang barbershop for a living.  Jesus jumped at the opportunity to audition for the group.  He poofed himself to their dressing room and sang his little heart out.  His singing actually brought a tear to the manager’s eye (he hadn’t brushed his teeth in a while).  The band was desperate, so Jesus knew he had the upper hand.  He demanded they let him in the band, and give him their souls. 

            They agreed and left on foot, heading west towards their next gig.  Jesus, being the son of God, insisted on changing the group name to Jesus and the Other Guys.  Rodney also went on tour as an opening act.  The group got their first big break when record producer Toby Schmitt heard them sing and signed them to a six album deal.  But it wasn’t long before drugs and alcohol brought it all crumbling down.

            So Jesus gave up on this idea and delved deeply into his next get-rich-quick scheme: kidnapping rich kids for ransom money.  He hid in a bush behind Mel Gibson’s house in Arlington, Virginia and tossed all of his kids in a big sack and flew away.  Jesus had a short attention span, and he forgot about the kids as soon as he saw a chick with a nice rack.  So Mel’s kids died of starvation.

            One day Jesus saw Mel on TV making a plea to the kidnappers.  “Oh shit!” Jesus screamed.  “Wait a minute… I’m Jesus Fucking Christ!”  He snuck into his father’s laboratory and accidentally took the “gerbil” mold instead of the "ugly-fuck" mold.  He whipped up some kids, and catapulted them back home.  Thus solving the great mystery of Mel’s missing kids.