JESUS VS. THE BUG KING

            For weeks the news was full of bug problems; ants and roaches were found in every kitchen in America.  Christians prayed to Jesus for help, but Jesus said, “Who do you think I am, an exterminator?”  So the problem continued, and soon the bugs had eaten all of America’s children and Pop Tarts. 

            Jesus walked into the kitchenette of his fabulous Watts apartment and screamed like a little bitch when he opened the cupboard and saw cockroaches finishing off his last Pop Tart.  One by one, Jesus ripped off all their legs.  He pan fried them and ate them with garlic and melted cheddar. 

            Next door the hideous Bug King, Stan, heard the screaming of his poor minions.  He grabbed his scepter, put on his crown, and burst through the wall with fourteen hundred of his closest friends.  Jesus grabbed his nut sack and ran for it. 

            The Bug King gave chase.  Jesus saw that he was being chased, so he pulled out his banjo and played some chase music.  The bugs quickly surrounded Jesus and took him down.  “Get me my castrating spoon!”  yelled the Bug King.  One large cockroach brought Stan a tablespoon.  Jesus let out a hearty laugh, “You think you’re gonna castrate me with that?”  He then lifted his robe to reveal watermelon-sized testicles.  Stan scurried off in search of a bigger spoon. 

            Jesus squirreled and squirmed and tried to free himself, but the bugs were tough, too tough, Andy Richter tough.  Just then, Jesus’ good friend Matt came wandering by, squishing bugs, and he accidentally squished one of Jesus’ nuts. 

            Jesus screamed in pain and ecstasy, a sound that Matt was familiar with.  Matt helped Jesus up and they shared a passionate embrace.  Then they remembered that the Bug King was still lurking about.  So Matt took up Jesus in his arms and ran off into the sunset.  And Matt was never heard from again.  

THE TROUBLE WITH SEMEN

Jesus was working as the night manager at the local Holiday Inn. The last manager was an older woman who fell in love with a wealthy businessman over an impromptu trip to Acapulco. Anyway, Jesus was having problems with the cleaning staff being perverts and mostly just cleaning around the semen.

"One problem is one too many, but two problem?! That's just unfathomable!" Jesus shouted at the crew. "Jon, how many times have I told you not to leave semen on the lamp?" But Jon had cleaned up enough semen for several lifetimes, and he'd had enough.

So Jon called for a general maids' strike. Then the people at the front desk decided to strike in support of the maids. Jesus decided, if this strike was ever going to end, he'd better get to the bottom of this semen thing.

He went to his office computer and googled semen. No help. Then he decided to call The Experts; a wily group of hookers from Bakersfield, CA. The hookers reminded Jesus of Charlie's Angels, except they were all Drew Barrymore (the ugly one).

Anyway, the hookers carefully tasted every sample of semen that they could find, and came to the conclusion that semen tasted better fresh. This gave Jesus his third million-dollar idea: Complimentary hookers for making sure the jizz doesn't get everywhere. And that's where the White House got the idea for the Executive Hooker Stable, Whore House One.