JESUS AND THE GREAT MAGNETIC WANG

Jesus was counting his loose change. He had $42, but he needed $260 to buy the new stereo that he wanted so that he could impress girls. "$42 plus the $100 that Dave Foley owes me... damn, I still need 120 bucks." He had already collected all the change in his apartment by magnetizing his wang and banging the couch cushions etc. So now he was forced to take to the streets.

He was hoping to find and fuck one of those Salvation Army buckets, but he and Santa had a sordid past. He found a Salvation Army bucket outside a supermarket. Luckily it was manned by an old lady instead of Santa. But as Jesus got closer he realized that he had banged this old lady like 40 years ago. "I'll need a disguise," he said to himself.

He turned to the man behind him, tore his face off and put it on over his own. He ran up on the old lady, pushed her to the floor and banged her dirty ol' bucket for what must of been nine or ten minutes (he was pretty wore out by then). He couldn't get off, but luckily he had all the change so he ran off to count it.

He was up to $180 dollars, but he still needed to collect from Foley. Foley was in Vancouver filming a low budget film about a funny werewolf costarring Laura Vandervoort as the sexy werewolf enthusiast. Jesus jumped on board a train, hobo style, and rode it for a week and ended up right back where he started somehow. He was cold, hungry and totally despondent. Then he remembered that his wang magnetizer had a hot-chick setting. Problem solved!

BRAKES AND BUTT LUBE

Jesus was about to fix the brakes on his mom’s car with his good buddy, Hilary Duff. They were going over the pre-operation checklist. “Car?” Jesus said. “Check,” Hilary answered. “Jack?” “Check.” “New brakes?” “Check.” “Dynamite?” “Check.” “Lube?” “Empty!” Hilary exclaimed with puzzled delight. She had no desire to work in the hot sun, and lube shopping meant they would have to go to a nice air-conditioned store somewhere.

So they jumped into her BMW and headed to the local lube shop. Jesus picked up a bottle of brake lube, then he noticed Hilary bending over, and grabbed a tube of butt lube. Maybe he was being optimistic, but he liked to be prepared, you know, mentally. Butt sex isn’t something you can just jump into without lube and mental preparation. Anyway, they wandered around the store for a while and came across a good sale on stainless steel lube applicators.

Then it was back to the brakes. Jesus started by jacking the car up and smearing lube all over it. Then it was time for a break. Jesus tossed the tube of butt lube and the applicators to Hilary and made a lewd pelvic-thrusting gesture at her and said, “Break time rocks!” She, unfortunately, didn't feel the same about break time or Jesus. So they argued about it for a while and Jesus eventually stormed off in anger.

Then he had an idea; he would tie her up and force her to have butt sex with him. “I wonder if that’s legal?” he wondered aloud. “I mean, if a chick’s got a sexy ass she shouldn't be allowed to withhold it like that.” Jesus’ reasoning was sound, so he pulled Hilary out of the car by her hair and gave her a few solid thrust (nowhere near the butt), got off and ran off ejaculating.

He dove into a bush and hid until the heat died down. Then  he fixed his mom’s car with magic and ate a hot pocket in bed watching ER reruns.

TEAM FLOWERPOT

Jesus was being chased up the stairs of a big tower in China by the Chinese Mafia. His partner in crime, Gary Busey, was already on the roof, rigging it with explosives. Jesus was rounding the corner a few stories short of the roof when he was ambushed by Billy Ho, the son of the mafia boss.

Jesus laughed, not for the first time, at the fact that the mob boss’ name was Ho. “Quit laughing at me!” Billy screamed with a Chinese accent. Billy pointed his Uzi at Jesus and Jesus thought he was dead for sure, but Busey snuck up behind Billy with a dildo and knocked him unconscious and stuffed him in a box marked, “Boring stuff that would be of interest to no one.”

The two man gang, Team Flowerpot, made it to the roof and parachuted down to safety. Then the Chinese Mafia, all but Billy Ho, were blown to pieces when the roof blew up. Billy vowed that he would kill Team Flowerpot and get back the Jade Dragon, which incidentally was what started this whole thing, but he was trapped in a box that was being shipped to Canada, and Jesus and Busey were well on their way to France to sell the Jade Dragon. Luckily for Billy Ho, three nerdy Chinese kids found the box with mysterious American writing and inadvertently turned Billy Ho loose.

Billy knew exactly where Team Flowerpot was going because the only one collector had ever tried to buy the Jade Dragon, and only he would be foolish enough to hire Team Flowerpot to steal it. Ho called the company jet and was off to France. The collector, Jean-Luc Delacroix, was waiting for Team Flowerpot to show up with the Jade Dragon at a small cafe in Paris. He was sipping a glass of wine, smoking a cigarette, wearing a beret and generally being very French. Billy was watching from across the street with a pair of binoculars as Jesus made the transaction. Then Busey snuck up and killed Billy with a dildo.