Jesus was being guided through Satan's new castle in Hell by Satan himself. There was a movie room that only showed Joaquin Phoenix movies, there was an indoor swimming pool filled with dead fish and vomit and every toilet in the house had a spiked tongue for wiping your ass. Jesus was a little upset, because Satan had ripped off almost every feature from Jesus' castle in Scottsdale. If there was an STD room, then Jesus would really be mad.
Instead, Satan had a room that literally left Jesus speechless... Satan had a puppies-with-titties room filled with puppies with great big hooters. Jesus was so jealous, he ran in and dove head first into a pile of cuddly pets. Satan saw just how jealous Jesus was and decided to rub it in a little. He told Jesus that every puppy was the offspring of Anna Nicole Smith.
"Oh man," Jesus said, "you can't even get that in Scottsdale!"
Satan then turned to kick a puppy that was nuzzling his leg, and Jesus seized the opportunity to sneak two puppies under his robe. He then made up an overly elaborate story about why he needed to leave. Satan was immediately suspicious because Jesus had not yet seen the whoretory; why would he by racing out now? Satan had a tiny demon baby follow Jesus to get some Intel.
Jesus saw the demon baby with the third eye in the back of his head, and was able to give him the slip. But as Jesus walked through the gates of Hell, the alarm went off. I turned out the puppies had security tags. "Shit!" Jesus yelled as he pulled his gun and shot his way through the underpaid Hell security guards.
Jesus took a bullet in the right shoulder, and one in the right ankle. Then he ran out of bullets and had to take out his nun-chucks. Eventually the guards brought him down. They searched him, but only found one of the puppies. They tossed Jesus in the dumpster out back. Jesus waited a few minutes, then limped home happy, dog boob in-hand.
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