Jesus ordered a turkey burger from a local eatery. He wasn't a weirdo or anything, but he was on a strictly no cow diet after he "accidentally" saw a cow having sex with an impala and it really grossed him out. The burger was brought out by a guy wearing a wearing a fake nose and mustache, and to the best of Jesus' recollection, the guy who took his order was a fat woman. Jesus lifted the burger suspiciously to his nose and inspected it nasal-wise. He came to the conclusion that it was beef! The smell brought back memories of the graceful impala being mounted by the rotund bovine that made Jesus nauseous.
Only three people knew about Jesus' experience, Paul Newman Jr., Dr. Drew Pinksy and God, who sees everything all the time of course. God was obviously the prime suspect because Paul Newman Jr. and Dr. Drew died when Jesus told them what happened. Jesus hopped on his scooter and scooted to Heaven to have it out with God once and for all. That son-of-a-bitch just can't stand other people messing with his animal husbandry.
Jesus burst into God's throne room, but stopped and thew up a little in his mouth when he saw that God had an impala on either side of his throne. "You son-of-a-dick! You think just because your beard is bigger and fuller than mine it's better? Well you know what... AAAAHHHH!" Jesus charged at God with a pair of garden sheers. God casually countered Jesus' attack like that black dude in The Matrix fighting Keanu Reeves. Jesus fell to the floor and God turned to the impalas and said, "Take your revenge."
So Jesus ended up being gang raped by two impalas while God watched, and masturbated and ate a soft pretzel with cheese dip.
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