SNUGGLING WITH JESUS

Jesus was whipping up a batch of cats to attack his neighbor, Joe, who was deathly allergic to cats.  Joe was basically a good guy, but Jesus never liked him. Recently, Joe had gone too far when he’d bought a more expensive car than Jesus. 

So Jesus sent his attack cats to snuggle Joe to death.  As Jesus watched the cats bounce playfully to their victim, he realized that he was jealous of them.  He wanted to snuggle Joe to death.  So he got out his crossbow and quickly killed or maimed all of his playful kittens.  Then he morphed into a giant but cuddly cat and headed to Joe’s. 

When he got there the door was closed, and Jesus was lost without his opposable thumbs.  He’d need a plan to get in.  He decided to make Joe a cat door and install it right away.  It took a few minutes to make a hole for the door.  Then he gave up on making the door and just went in through the hole.

Joe was sleeping upstairs, but Jesus had a few things he wanted to do around Joe’s house, like use the bathroom and rummage through the medicine cabinet.  So Jesus snooped about for a bit, then he accidentally knocked over Joe’s bust of Woody Allen and it smashed on the floor, waking Joe from his slumber.

Joe ran downstairs and was horrified to find a giant cat sweeping up in the hallway.  Joe turned and ran back upstairs and Jesus gave chase.  Joe ran into the bathroom and hid in the tub, crying, shaking and mumbling.  Jesus kicked the door open and saw this pitiful sight.  His heart was changed and he wanted to cheer Joe up.  So, forgetting that Joe was deathly allergic to him, he jumped into his lap and licked him into a deep coma, and he never woke up.

So Jesus robbed Joe, assumed his identity and flew to the Caribbean.