AT THE MICHAEL BOLTON SHOW

Jesus was sitting at home counterfeiting condoms, when his rhythm was rudely interrupted by sexy cheerleaders who were going around door-to-door giving our free Michael Bolton tickets. "This isn’t charity," Jesus said, "you just want to get rid of these so you wont have to go see Michael Bolton yourselves!" So Jesus tied the sexy cheerleaders up with bungee cords and forced them to go to the show, naked and tied up and barfed upon.

Anyway, while he was walking around outside the show waiting to drive the girls home, he started looking into cars for treasure and stuff. He came across Michael Bolton’s car. He looked left and right, then sucked in his gut and squeezed through the small crack in the window and found out that ’84 Geo Trackers are as shitty on the inside as they are on the outside. Then he found an envelope full of pictures of Kenny G. playing his gay saxophone while Bolton blew him. So he put the pictures in his pocket, replaced Bolton’s condoms with counterfeits and headed to the stage, where he could out Bolton in front of dozens of his fans.

He found a back door and snuck in and pretended to be a hot groupie by cutting his robe short and showing some cleavage. He slowly made his way to the stage, but on the way he took a wrong turn and ended up in the lady’s room. At first the ladies screamed, but once they were all gagged and duct taped to toilets and barfed upon, they really seemed to appreciate the pictures. And then even more so when Jesus explained that they weren’t of him but of Michael Bolton.

So he moved on to the little backstage room, where he was assaulted sexually by several roadies and a guy who kinda looked like Luigi from Super Mario Bro. He made it to the stage just in time to hear the last number and then jump on stage with the pictures held high. But no one seemed to mind. One old lady was heard to say, "Something about seeing a man suck another man off is just sexy!"

Anyway, Jesus made a mental note to ban Bolton from heaven, and thus began yet another battle between Jesus and his Uncle, the Devil.

BATHROOM MIRACLE

Jesus was arguing with some kids at school one day. They never believed his crazy stories. "I’m telling you guys, if you keep flushing the toilet again and again and again, eventually, the water turns into wine."

"No way!" bellowed Bobby Billinsky, the baritone bully of Brownberry Elementary. The school Jesus was bothering these kids at was named after Sir Bradford Brownberry of the Bangkok Brownberrys, famous for inventing a revolutionary new system for building bionic babies out of broken bowling balls, and springs.

Anyway, Bobby was all, "No way!"

And Jesus was all, "Yuh huh!"

And the principal was all, "Get out of here, pervert, or I’m calling the cops!" Terrified of going to prison, Bobby ran home, leaving Jesus to bring fear to the school children.

Jesus had never been a bully before, but he had had several "incidents" with local fat people lately. So he started holding kids upside down in the toilet and turning the toilet water into wine. But then he thought, "Why am I wasting all this booze on kids?"

So he threw all the little girls out of the girl’s room and started making all kinds of different wines in the toilets. He had a special way of tasting them all with tampons. He would spend hours dipping them in and sucking on them. Sometimes he would find one that he thought had been dipped in red wine, but it was something else, something magical.

After Jesus had his bomb shelter stocked full of wine, he knew it was time to unleash the nuclear holocaust, but first, he needed so many vaginas to hold him over for a few centuries, you know, until mankind reemerges from the sea. So he set forth, on foot, to retrieve some fresh and pungent vaginas.

Eating some Froot Loops so he could "follow his nose," he sniffed his way to a church and kidnapped several young girls between the ages of twelve and sixteen. His first thought had been nuns, but then he remembered that chicks only become nuns when they’re too ugly to get a man, which just goes to show you that The Sound of Music is complete bullshit.

So Jesus sexed it up with these girls until they were too old (20), then he cloned them and started anew after launching the old (20 year old) into the nuclear wasteland. He did this over and over again until man reemerged and everything was back to normal.

JESUS GOES TO HELL

            Jesus had been having nothing but trouble on Earth, so he decided to kick it in Heaven for a while.  Besides, the big sumo match between Buddha and Andre the Giant was tomorrow.  At last years sumo match, he had a few too many beers and nachos, and he spent most of the match in the loo.  But this year he was intent on cheering for his old nemesis, Andre.  They used to hate each other, but made amends after Andre hooked Jesus up with his sister Andrea.  She looked pretty much like her bother, but with one key difference.  Andrea refused to give to charities.  And nothing turns Jesus on more than indifference.

            So anyway, Jesus met up with all the apostles except one (Judas, that rat bastard) for a big party at his luxury penthouse flat.  Pope Pious VI crashed the party with some chicks, drugs and party hats.  It was a good time for everybody, until Jesus’ old man called the cops.  Jesus threw himself on the floor and beat his fists on the ground. 

            “You don’t love me!” he cried, “I’m going to live with Uncle Satan!”

            “Fine, you go live with your uncle, but when you end up dead in a gutter, don’t come crying to me!”

            “Sweet,” cried Jesus “no more rules for me.”  And with a wave of his middle finger, he was packed and ready to go.

            When he arrived in Hell, Satan greeted him with a hug.  “Sorry I missed your birthday, kid.”

            “That’s cool.  I peed in your Pepsi a little while ago.”

            “You know kid, if we combined our powers, we could easily conquer the world.”

            “I don’t think so.  Running the world turned my dad into a square.”

            “Yeah.”

“Plus on Earth, those girls shave off all their body hair.”

“Gross!”

            So Jesus and Satan spent the day with Hitler and Stalin, gang banging Marilyn Monroe.  And that night, they had some lobster.

            Jesus’ voice over: “You know, I’ve spent a lot of time with that uncle of mine.  But I’ll never forget that time that God and me beat the Atlanta Falcons to win Super Bowl XVII.  Those were the best days of my life.”

            Remembering the good ol’ days made Jesus homesick.  He began to think, maybe God wasn’t so bad after all.  So he punched Satan in the throat, grabbed his lobster and went home.