JESUS AND THE FRENCH TREASURE

Jesus sat in his swivel-chair, deep in his underground lair, watching his favorite porno while he studied his treasure map, given to him by the king of France in 1612.  That was a dreary time, when everyone had the plague… or was that some other time?  Jesus had a hard time remembering since the accident. Three years ago, Jesus had been hit in the head by a flying airplane and ever since he had to grow a bigger beard so that he wouldn't lose his car keys or anal lube. 

Just at that minute, he remembered something else he’d hidden in his beard.  He reached in and pulled out a magnifying glass.  He ran to the TV set to get a closer look at a nipple.  Then he was off to the San Fernando Valley to find his long lost sister whom he’d identified by her trademark triangular nipple.

He rode into a gas station on a goat, grabbed the hose and filled the goat’s ass tank.  “Forty-one dollars?  It’s a goddamn goat!” he said.  He ran to find the manager so he could vent his outrage, but she turned out to be a hot chick, peeing.  So all Jesus could do was stare and hold the bathroom door open so everyone could see.  Then he asked her if she knew his sister.

As luck would have it, she was his sister’s roommate/co-star, so Jesus offered to help her rehearse.  She politely declined.  Jesus snapped his fingers and said, “Damn it!” Then they were on their way to see Jesus’ sister.

But on the way they were attacked by an ancient order of French knights, come for their map.  Jesus grabbed that Arco chick and threw her high up in the air and ran.  While she was up in the air he turned her into a German and the French quickly surrendered.

Then Jesus, the Arco chick and the sister found the treasure and had a three-way on top of a pile of gold.  INCEST ROCKS!

JESUS AND THE GERMAN SAUSAGE

Fire raged all around Jesus.  He gripped his weapon tightly.  Soon, victory would be his.  He was participating in a BBQ cook off.  He had three grills going at once, one with ribs, one with steak and one with crabs that he hunted himself in the dense, sweat forest between the legs of Serena Williams.  Jesus’ only competitor, that he really thought had a chance of beating him (physically), was a German immigrant who made his own sausage out of some kind of mysterious mystery meat.

So anyway, Jesus had devised a plan to murder the German using a smart missile fired from a ship two hundred miles away in the Sea of Japan.  He bamboozled a Navy gunner with talk of fame and fortune, then pushed him overboard.  Then he fired off a few test rounds at some fat chicks in South Korea before taking aim at that German jerk. 

A Colonel pooping nearby ran out of the bathroom with his pants down to see what was going on.  Jesus whipped his nunchucks out of his beard, ready to brawl, but the colonel tripped and fell overboard where some dolphins were waiting for their opportunity to take revenge against him because he always mooned them when they were right in the middle of their mating dance.

So Jesus fired at the German, but much to his dismay, the German caught the missile in mid air and bit it in half.  “Ah, a genetically engineered mutant sausage cook,” Jesus deduced, “I might have known.  We’ll have to settle this like men, with our food cookery.”

So Jesus went back to the competition with full intention of cooking his little heart out and beating the sauerkraut out of that German guy he hated so much, but he was too late.  The German guy had already won, and everyone went home except for Jesus who stayed there eating hot coals because his doctor told him he wasn’t getting enough iron.  “There’s iron in coal right?” 

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

Jesus was learning karate from Ralph Machio, when Jackie Chan and Lance Armstrong burst in and challenged them to a hotdog-eating contest.  Jesus roared with laughter and said, “I can fit more wieners in my mouth than you guys can fit in your vaginas!”

Jackie Chan beat Jesus and Machio down with a couple of hotdogs, and Lance Armstrong ran home crying because he suddenly came to the sad realization that nobody of consequence cared about competitive cycling.  Then, Jesus zapped Chan with his disintegrater ray.  Then, after brief consideration, he zapped Machio. 

Then, Jesus asked himself, “What do I want to do now?”  So he thought about it quietly for awhile, then he jumped up and snapped his fingers and became invisible and went to watch some hot chicks in the shower and stuff.  Then he became visible and yelled, “BOO!” and the girls ran screaming from the shower. 

Little did Jesus know that one of these women would be his future wife.  But he wouldn’t have cared if he’d known, because he’d been married many times and didn’t really think of marriage as sacred or hetero or even a good idea.

So anyway, Jesus started setting up bear traps and shit so that when the girls ran out of the shower, they’d be trapped.  He decided to move to Iran and sell these women to the CIA.  But their plane crashed on the way and all but Jesus and one fat chick died, so he married her.