JESUS AND THE OTHER GUYS

            Jesus was a big fan of barbershop.  He had just paid top dollar for a pair of tickets to see his favorite quartet, The Singing Slave Drivers.  Now all he needed was a date.  He busted out his little black book, flipped to a random page and picked the first name he saw, Rodney Dangerfield.  “Damn it!  I picked up the wrong little black book.”  Being too lazy to find his other little black book, the one with the hoes, and knowing that Dangerfield was also a fan of barbershop, he just said, “Fuck it.” 

            So he donned his best robe and a little bow tie, cast a magic spell and created some red roses and flew to Cleveland, OH.  Rodney was in the shower when Jesus arrived.  Jesus was a very impatient jerk, so he grabbed Rodney by the wrist and dragged him to the show wearing nothing but his shame.

            The show wasn’t very good.  It was only a duet because the other two guys killed themselves when they realized they sang barbershop for a living.  Jesus jumped at the opportunity to audition for the group.  He poofed himself to their dressing room and sang his little heart out.  His singing actually brought a tear to the manager’s eye (he hadn’t brushed his teeth in a while).  The band was desperate, so Jesus knew he had the upper hand.  He demanded they let him in the band, and give him their souls. 

            They agreed and left on foot, heading west towards their next gig.  Jesus, being the son of God, insisted on changing the group name to Jesus and the Other Guys.  Rodney also went on tour as an opening act.  The group got their first big break when record producer Toby Schmitt heard them sing and signed them to a six album deal.  But it wasn’t long before drugs and alcohol brought it all crumbling down.

            So Jesus gave up on this idea and delved deeply into his next get-rich-quick scheme: kidnapping rich kids for ransom money.  He hid in a bush behind Mel Gibson’s house in Arlington, Virginia and tossed all of his kids in a big sack and flew away.  Jesus had a short attention span, and he forgot about the kids as soon as he saw a chick with a nice rack.  So Mel’s kids died of starvation.

            One day Jesus saw Mel on TV making a plea to the kidnappers.  “Oh shit!” Jesus screamed.  “Wait a minute… I’m Jesus Fucking Christ!”  He snuck into his father’s laboratory and accidentally took the “gerbil” mold instead of the "ugly-fuck" mold.  He whipped up some kids, and catapulted them back home.  Thus solving the great mystery of Mel’s missing kids.

JESUS CLAUS

Christmas was just two days away and Jesus was up at the North Pole getting ready for his annual trip around the world where he would visit little children and give them things their parents wouldn’t approve of.  Jesus was trying on his red suit made of inside out polar bear hide, when in ran one of the elves with an important note carved into his back.  It read, “We’re all out of Pepsi!”

Jesus was so mad, he locked the elf in the closet and shoved the key up another elf’s nose then punched her.  Then he jumped on his reindeer’s back and rode to 7-11.  He ran in and grabbed a six pack, some beef jerky, some cigarettes and a copy of “Big Ass Quarterly”, his favorite periodical.

Jesus hooked the bag of goodies onto his reindeer’s antlers and took off.  On the way back, he was attacked by the abominable snowman’s brother Hal, a tax accountant from Cleveland.

Hal threw fireballs at Jesus, but the reindeer dodged them all.  So Hal resorted to plan B: reverse psychology.  He yelled out to Jesus, “That’s fine, I didn’t want you to get hurt anyway.  I just thought you were cold and would like some fireballs to warm you up.”

Jesus had been summoning up his powers, or “charging” them if you will, and thought, “You know, it is kind of cold, maybe a fireball is just what I need.”

So Hal saw his chance, and threw the biggest fireball ever.  It missed, melted all the snow, and everyone for a thousand miles was burnt to a crisp except for Hal and Jesus.

“Thanks,” Jesus said as he removed his fur coat, “that’s much better.”  Hal then drew his sword and charged Jesus, but he slipped in a puddle and broke his neck and died.

When news of Hal’s defeat reached the abominable snowman, he swore that vengeance would be his.  So the next day, he dug around in Jesus’ trash can and found some naked pictures of Jesus as a baby.  They were all pretty embarrassing and gross, especially the one where he fell in a big pile of goat shit.

The abominable snowman thought briefly of a childhood in a manger with all those animals and moochers.  He even shed a tear of sorrow for Jesus.  Then he sold the pictures to a magazine and made a bunch of money.  Everyone laughed at Jesus and how lame his childhood was and stuff.  And Jesus decided that nobody got any presents that year.

A TALE OF TWO DRUNKS

Jesus had just finished a tall glass of whiskey in Kittie’s Brothel in the old west, when Jimmy, his faithful companion, ran down the stairs screaming, “Oink Oink!”  Jimmy was a pig, who Jesus had given the ability to walk upright and wear clothes, but not to speak.  Luckily, Jesus was fluent in pig, having spent much of his youth in pigpens.  Anyhoo, Jesus was able to translate ‘oink oink’ into ‘She’s a man!’ 

 “What kind of a whorehouse is this? This is an outrage!” Jesus screamed at the top of his shrill effeminate voice.

 Kittie, the tall muscular owner of the bar, ran across the room.  “I’m sorry, but this is a transsexual pleasure house.  We have signs everywhere.” 

“Well I demand satisfaction!” Jesus proclaimed belligerently.

“Oh, you will be satisfied.  Take him away boys.”

Eight strapping young gays in women’s clothing tried to grab Jesus.  But Jesus quickly threw Jimmy at them and ran.  He hopped on his horse/time machine, and as soon as they were galloping at 88 miles per hour, they were transported to medieval England.

Lancelot was there to greet them on behalf of the entire round table.  But Jesus didn’t have time for this.  He needed to get fucked, fast, and he knew just the place to get it.  He rode quickly to the castle, where he found Lady Guinevere.  They had been at it for thirty-six hours when Arthur began to wonder where his wife was.  Arthur went to his room and found the door locked.  He heard moaning inside, so he broke the door down in time to see Jesus hop out the window and fly away.

He ran to the window and shook his fist and shouted, “Damn you Jesus!  Damn you to Hell!”

“No!” Jesus replied, as the wind rushed through his hair like crabs through his pubes. 

He landed on his horse and rode off into the sunset, until he hit a wall.  His horse seemed to have crushed his skull and Jesus was thrown over the wall into a swamp.  Without his horse, Jesus knew the only way to get back to his own time was to find his medieval self, and combine their powers. 

After a nice long walk, he found himself passed out or dead or something in a stone shack near the coast.  He began to cry, “Mamma said there’d be days like this.” 

“It’s funny,” said a voice from above, “my mamma said the same thing.”  It was his real medieval self.  The passed out Jesus was just a dead decoy to get rid of beggars.  “I thought you were one of those homeless types looking for a handout.”

“Whatever gave you that idea?” Jesus from the future asked.

“Well you do look pretty blind, as only a blind man would wear that drab robe.  And we all know how useless blind people are.” 

”What are you talking about?! I’ve been wearing this same robe for 2000 years!”

“Oh Yeah,” Medieval Jesus said, looking down at his own drab robe. They shared a good laugh, and then Jesus explained how lame his horse was.

They decided to hang out for a few days before sending future Jesus home.  Then Jesus got sick of himself.  They both pointed their magic rings in the air, and said a little chant.  A time portal opened, and Jesus went back to the future.          

JESUS AND THE DUKE

Jesus was having drinks with Ricardo, the gay doorman, when suddenly his cell phone rang out the tune from Mighty Mouse.  “The Jesus phone!” he called out.  “Hello… yes… no… you’re pulling my leg… really…?   You don’t say….  I’ll be right there.”

“Who was it?” Ricardo asked as he accidentally spilled a little of his horse-semen cocktail.  Jesus was so offended that Ricardo would waste the sperm that Jesus had spent so much time collecting, that Jesus violently raped him with his girl parts!

Then, Jesus was off to help the ghost of John Wayne, who had called him earlier.  There seemed to be some trouble at the watering hole, so Jesus was pleased that he had loaded up on protein-rich semen before he left.

When he got to the watering hole, he found the Duke and two beautiful women surrounded by Apaches.  They were whooping, and hollering and doing that thing with their hand over their mouth.  And the Indians were just standing there staring at them.  Jesus rode up on the horse he’d ‘made friends with’ earlier, with a shotgun in each hand. 

The Indians fell to the ground left and right with laughter because Jesus was riding sidesaddle.  Jesus didn’t want to take the time to explain his terrible hemorrhoids, so he just showed the Indians his ass.  All the Indians shed a tear, because Jesus cursed them all with hemorrhoids as well. Then they all ran away clutching their buttocks firmly in their hands.

As soon as John Wayne saw the Indians begin to retreat, he opened fire on them and killed all but three, who were left alive to tell the tale.  Then, he and Jesus shared the whores and the Indian scalps and drank semen in the sunset.