JESUS THE ASSASSIN

Jesus was creeping around the jungles of Columbia. His mission was to assassinate Juan Valdez. He was three clicks out from his target’s military compound, so he decided it was time to change into his donkey costume. He made his way to the stables where he could take the place of Juan’s prized donkey, Pedro.

But when he got there he was struck with vivid memories of his early childhood and didn’t see the Columbian children sneaking up behind him. One young boy jumped up on Jesus’ back while another branded a big “I heart burritos” on his ass. Jesus jumped up and screamed. The poor boys tried to run, but Jesus had been angered and his inner beasts awoken and donkey costume set aflame.

He cut a terrible figure as he ran on all fours after the children, his burning fur lighting up the night like a demon from hell. Juan rushed out and shouted, “No Pedro! No!” he believe that his prize burro had gone mad or been possessed or something. There was only one thing to do, Juan thought as he took another sip from his cocaine-laced coffee, and that’s take a siesta.

So he went back to his room and lied down, but the burning burrow problem just wasn’t going away like he’d hoped. He pulled the covers up over his head seconds before Jesus pounced through the window. Foolish Juan prayed to Jesus to help him.

“Sphincter!” Jesus shouted as he ripped the blankets from Juan’s bed, thinking it meant “help me” in Spanish. You see, Jesus had a crush on one of the girls back in his high school Spanish class and could never focus on his verbs. Anyway, Jesus set the whole room on fire and, long story short, the price of coffee went up 12%.

JESUS GETS SICK

Jesus was stuck at home, sick, one Saturday in heaven. His dad wouldn’t let him go out and play because he was very contagious and had already gotten four or five other kids in the neighborhood sick as well. So Jesus and his herpes stayed home and watched reruns of Gilligan’s Island.

Jesus started pondering the age-old question, the Skipper or Mary Anne? I mean Ginger or Mary Anne? Mary Anne had the girl next door thing, but Ginger was a slutty movie star. He decided to ask the expert… Alan Hale. He called Alan, but his mom said that he was outside riding bikes with his friends. So Jesus decided to hop on into TV land and find out for himself. He stood up, dropped his box of tissues, crouched down and jumped headfirst into his dad’s 80” flat screen TV.

He awoke later amidst paramedics and the shattered remains of the TV. Jesus stood up and shoved the paramedics away and did a magic dance and teleported himself to Gilligan’s Island.

Once there, he quickly distracted the others with promises of rescue helicopters. So while the others were desperately watching the skies, Jesus kidnapped the two hotties and took them back to his house. Needless to say, the two were so happy to be rescued, they were willing to do anything… anything!

After two days, Jesus still wasn’t sure, so he brought in an outside consultant… Bob Denver. Now Bob was a little too old and rickety to just jump on some hot pussy lickety split. So he just watched for the first 45 minutes. But then, when he did jump on, he rode it till it was sore. Jesus and the girls gave him a standing ovation, during which, he died.

So Jesus stabbed the girls to death so they could all meet up in heaven to find out who won. They caught up to Bob in line at the gate. He declared Mary Anne the winner. So they all went out to celebrate, except for Ginger, who didn’t feel very much like celebrating.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DEITY?

Jesus had been missing for four days, and his dad was starting to worry. Usually Jesus left a note, or his exploits made the news, or cease and desist orders arrived in the mail, but not this time. After several gin and tonics, he finally got up the nerve to call the one guy who could help.

"Hello?"

"Satan?"

"God!?"

"Yes, it's God.... Hello?"

"Yes, I'm here, what... uh... what can I do for you?"

"I need your help. My baby boy's been missing since Tuesday."

Satan looked over his various monitors and saw that Jesus was in one of the devil's pleasure houses enjoying a three-way with Winston Churchill and Joan of Arc. "I haven't seen him," Satan told God.

"Well, we need to find him!"

Satan's mind was turning, trying to figure out how he could use this to his advantage. "Have you checked Earth?"

"I see all of Earth all the time. It's my curse."

"How about the other planets? I heard he has a huge record collection on Pluto."

"Well then that's where I'll go! Can you come with me? For company and moral support. It's a really long trip."

"Nah, I can't, I got diabetes."

"That's extremely unlikely."

"You're telling me! Who knew there was sugar in Pepsi? Maybe you could get Khloe Kardashian to go with you."

God agreed, and soon he and Khloe were off to Pluto, leaving Heaven and Purgatory unguarded. Satan slid down the fireman's pole in his office to the whore house below to talk to Jesus. He had to play it cool. "Hey Jesus, I'll bet you can't live on Venus for eight weeks."

"You're on!" Jesus shouted, then raced off to Venus.

Satan had it all, finally. It was all his. So he left George Takei in charge of Hell and took up the throne of Heaven and began his long, prosperous rule as Lord Satan II.

JESUS AND GOD AND SATAN'S BACK STORY

So a long time ago, God went backpacking through another galaxy and brought home an Alpha-Centaurian cold, then sneezed out the Sun and Earth etc. He also gave the cold to his little brother Satan and it ruined Satan's one chance with the girl of his dreams. Satan had to watch while Felicity had sex repeatedly with his and God's older brother Steve. Because his cold was so bad he couldn't get an erection.

Steve was the Ultra-Lord of the entire super cluster, and Satan was intensely jealous. And now, because of God, it seemed Satan's one chance at happiness was gone. The feud began on a small scale; black hole-throwing, toilet paper-hiding, friend-murdering, but it was Satan who first crossed the line when he convinced Eve to eat that apple.

God was so mad, he didn't know what to do at first. Then he had a brilliant idea, he'd bang some virgin, get her pregnant, then murder his own son violently and say to Satan, "Now look what you've made me do!" Satan felt so guilty that he decided to endow the son of God, that Jesus guy that everyone goes on about, with magic powers so that he would rise from the dead.

It took Satan three long days in the laboratory, but he finally got the recipe right. Jesus was so grateful that he promised to always be impartial when it came to Satan and God. God was, needless to say, pretty pissed when Jesus showed up at dinner that night.

God went straight to Satan's house and started smashing shit up until Steve showed up to find out what all the ruckus was. When Steve found out that his little brothers were feuding about some chick that he'd banged eons ago, he tied them together with toilet paper, peed on them then tossed them into a black hole.