Jesus was hanging around the grocery store trying to convince Girl Scouts to let him guide them into womanhood... with his wiener. The problem was, the Girl Scout’s den mother, or whatever she’s called, wouldn't let Jesus get near the girls because he looked and smelled like a rapist. So Jesus hired some high school football team to block for him as he rushed in and intercepted what he called, “the stuff.”
The team lined up in front of Jesus as he set his timer (he always kept a log of these things.) That mother chick was no dope though, she was a martial arts expert and could probably have handled a professional football team, so these high schoolers were no problem.
But Jesus had an ace in the hole, a hologram projector. While this karate chick thought Jesus was in front of her, he was actually behind her coercing Girl Scouts into his van. They were no dopes, as well, it turned out, and were scattering all through out the parking lot.
Jesus decided to grab up as many boxes of cookies as he could and cut his losses. Girl Scout cookies are worth about a quarter of what Girl Scouts are in heaven, but they’d have to do today. Besides, that’s enough to buy a fancy kielbasa dinner, thought Jesus as he tossed all those cookies into the back of his van, then sped off to heaven.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
PLANTS VS JESUS
Jesus had recently been suffering from intense sneezing fits. The kind where you sneeze so hard your muscles get sore and you can't control your anus, which is also sore from sneezing. He concluded that he must be allergic to something, probably some sort of plant.
He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.
Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.
He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.
Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.
Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.
He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.
Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.
He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.
Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.
Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
FLIP OR FLOP
Jesus had bought one hundred houses in Detroit for $5.00 a piece, and now he was neck deep in one hundred remodels. His plan was to sell all the houses for a profit of several hundred dollars, but he was beginning to think that he'd need some help.
He had a clear vision of a swingin' montage of a bunch of gay dudes designing and swatching, and a bunch of burly guys hammering and nailing and it all coming together. 'The problem was that Detroit's gay population was terrible at being gay... I mean doing gay things... like picking out color combinations, and lighting schemes and greasing up a man's butthole before blowing him,' Jesus thought to himself. The other problem was that Detroit's burly-man population was terrible at not stealing all of Jesus' tools and stuff. And importing gays and burlys from Boston would eat up all of Jesus' profit.
There was only one solution, he'd have to make the people of Detroit less awful. He decided to grant each resident one Christmas wish. He had to go through a temp agency from Heaven to make sure he had the proper man power. The six-hour phone call to the temp agency was an ordeal, but only because it was boring. Jesus powered through that and started granting wishes.
One gay wished for a blowjob, and another wished to suck a dick... two birds, one stone. One Burly guy wished for a new car stereo, then remembered he didn't have a car. Dork. Then, one guy wished for Detroit's economy to be great again. When Jesus granted that wish, his shitty houses shot up in value and the remodels were no longer necessary. Jesus got rich and the good people of Detroit lived happily ever after.
He had a clear vision of a swingin' montage of a bunch of gay dudes designing and swatching, and a bunch of burly guys hammering and nailing and it all coming together. 'The problem was that Detroit's gay population was terrible at being gay... I mean doing gay things... like picking out color combinations, and lighting schemes and greasing up a man's butthole before blowing him,' Jesus thought to himself. The other problem was that Detroit's burly-man population was terrible at not stealing all of Jesus' tools and stuff. And importing gays and burlys from Boston would eat up all of Jesus' profit.
There was only one solution, he'd have to make the people of Detroit less awful. He decided to grant each resident one Christmas wish. He had to go through a temp agency from Heaven to make sure he had the proper man power. The six-hour phone call to the temp agency was an ordeal, but only because it was boring. Jesus powered through that and started granting wishes.
One gay wished for a blowjob, and another wished to suck a dick... two birds, one stone. One Burly guy wished for a new car stereo, then remembered he didn't have a car. Dork. Then, one guy wished for Detroit's economy to be great again. When Jesus granted that wish, his shitty houses shot up in value and the remodels were no longer necessary. Jesus got rich and the good people of Detroit lived happily ever after.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
JESUS AND THE ALLEY OF DEATH
Jesus was sleeping hard after a long day of experimenting on farts, when a terrified scream startled him awake. He looked down into the alley from his window, and saw three dudes beating up a ninja. Jesus' better judgement told him that anybody who could beat up a ninja, even three against one, was best left un-trifled with. But Jesus also knew that if he saved the life of a ninja, the ninja would be in his debt forever, or for two weeks. Maybe it was corporate vice presidents that were in your debt forever, Jesus couldn't remember.
Anyway, Jesus dove through his bedroom window, and pounced on the biggest of the three dudes, tearing his lower mandible from his body. Jesus then threw the mandible boomerang-style into the heads of the other two, killing them instantly.
Jesus approached the ninja to collect his reward, but upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be a ninja at all, but a Muslim woman who was dressed as a ninja from some dumb reason. Jesus had to think quick to figure out how to turn this to his advantage. He thought to himself, 'What would Mohammad do?' Then he remembered that Mohammad hated woman, and Jesus. 'Fuck that guy,' Jesus concluded.
Then Jesus realized that he had just been staring at this beat up woman for a minute, and he probably looked pretty awkward. So he threw some Jesus dust in her eyes and ran off in search of real ninjas.
Anyway, Jesus dove through his bedroom window, and pounced on the biggest of the three dudes, tearing his lower mandible from his body. Jesus then threw the mandible boomerang-style into the heads of the other two, killing them instantly.
Jesus approached the ninja to collect his reward, but upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be a ninja at all, but a Muslim woman who was dressed as a ninja from some dumb reason. Jesus had to think quick to figure out how to turn this to his advantage. He thought to himself, 'What would Mohammad do?' Then he remembered that Mohammad hated woman, and Jesus. 'Fuck that guy,' Jesus concluded.
Then Jesus realized that he had just been staring at this beat up woman for a minute, and he probably looked pretty awkward. So he threw some Jesus dust in her eyes and ran off in search of real ninjas.
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