MULTIPLICITY (BUT WITH JESUS INSTEAD OF MICHAEL KEATON)

Jesus was in a bind, he was the starting small forward for the Atlanta Hawks, and right wing for the Vancouver Canucks, and both teams were in the playoffs at the same time. He had sworn to himself that he would never do it again, but here he was, about to saw himself in half, longways, then regrow two halves to be two Jesuses again. This never works out, there's always some sort of disaster, like that time in 1483 that one half of Jesus ran away with the queen of Spain, and her husband had to make up that exploration bullshit to cove up Columbus' mission to bring her home. Or that other time in 33 when the one Jesus was supposed to be home doing chores, but instead went out and got crucified. Totally embarrassing.

Jesus readied the laser cutter (it had to be a precise 50/50 cut) and hopped onto the table. Twenty-four hours later, Jesus and Jesus went their separate ways. Jesus was off to Atlanta, while Jesus caught the next flight to Vancouver.

Both teams were doing great, but then it happened... Neil Patrick Harris Threw out his voice. He was staring as Chandler in the Broadway musical, "Friends," and Jesus was his understudy. Vancouver Jesus had to operate on the fly, during the intermission before second period. He took one of his skates and put it upside-down on a fire hydrant, climbed to the roof and cannonballed down. It cut him in two alright, but it wasn't 50/50. The greater-half Jesus regrew fine and raced back to the game. The lesser-half Jesus was barely human, so he called Atlanta Jesus, who had to borrow Ted Turner's laser to cut himself in half. Turner's laser went haywire during the operation and made six Jesuses, all at different percentages.

Eventually, a precise cut was made, and one Jesus rushed to Broadway and saved the day, and both teams won their games. All the reject Jesuses decided to roam around space for awhile, hunting treasure. Two of the Earthbound Jesuses re constituted, but the third Jesus, Evil Jesus decided to remain separate, thus beginning the 10,000 year Civil Jesus War.

JESUS AND THE TERRIBLE GUITAR PLAYER

Jesus was juggling on a street corner for change, but there was a terrible guitar player about ten feet away scaring away all the foot traffic. Also, it was hard for Jesus to concentrate with all the noise, and he was about to start his chainsaw routine.

He flagged down some passing kids and offered them his spare, unreliable chainsaw in exchange for grabbing the guitar player's purse and running away so she would have to chase them and annoy other people with her terrible guitar playing along the way. But the kid's double crossed Jesus, they took his chainsaw and just ran off. He would have to deal with guitar girl himself.

Jesus grabbed his best chainsaw and headed towards the guitar player. He danced along with her terrible guitar playing to avoid suspicion, pretending his chainsaw was a bass guitar. Then he got close and held the chainsaw high as he pulled the cord to start it, but he tripped and dropped the chainsaw on his foot. He danced around in pain, like an idiot, for a few seconds. luckily, no one saw him, so he just worked it into his earlier dance.

He picked up the chainsaw and pulled the cord, but it wouldn't start. So he threw it at the guitar player's face. It hit her square in the nose and knocked her over. The who incident was witnessed by a cop on a Segway. The cop had been called by nearby business owners to come and put an end to the guitar playing. He was relieved that he didn't have to do any actual work, and went over to thank Jesus.

The poor girl had no idea what had hit her, or why, but was agreeable to a three-way with Jesus and the cop when Jesus brought it up.

THE WAGER

Jesus left the AM/PM and started down the highway, only to realize he'd neglected to pick up a straw for his 64 oz soda. He was in the middle of the desert on his way to Tuscon Arizona, and there was nowhere to make a u-turn, legal or otherwise. He decided to do the manly thing and remove the lid and chug it down like vagina juice. He accidentally poured it all out over his face, beard and lap.

Jesus continued to Tuscon all wet, and sticky, and parched and aroused by the thought of vagina juice. He saw a sign that read, "Rest Stop, 1 Mile." "But if I don't get this heart to St. Andrew's by 10 PM," he said as he patted the cooler strapped safely into the passenger seat, "then little Stacy will die!"

He let his human urges go and raced on. Further down the road, an emergency alert came on the radio forecasting a giant horrible storm that would close all the roads to Tuscon. "Damn it Dad, you asshole! You're not gonna get this one!"

Meanwhile, in Heaven, God was at the controls of the weather machine, laughing like a villain. "Stacy's mine, boy!" He grinned and pushed the monsoon lever to full.

This battle over Stacy had started three years ago when Jesus and God made a drunken bet before finishing off the last of Moses' manischewitz. By the time God woke up the next day, Jesus was well on his way to stop the series of tragedies that God would devise. So far, God had managed to give Alex Trebek herpes, unleash a series of tornadoes in the Midwest, and killed world renowned thespian Paul Walker. But Jesus only needed one to win the bet.

The monsoon hit full blast and Jesus' car was forced off the road into a ditch. "No!" he shouted as the cooler came open and the heart flew through the windshield and landed in the mud, getting it all dirty. Jesus banged his fist on the steering wheel in frustration. It was over, it looked like he'd be walking God's dog for a week.

JESUS AND THE LIBERTY BELL

Jesus was the grand marshal of the Chicago St. Patrick’s Day parade.  He was chosen because he knew St. Patrick and had personally given him a wedgy.  Little did the people of Chicago know that Jesus had only taken the job as part of a long and complicated plan to steal the Liberty Bell.

The plan worked like this: get everybody drunk and teleport them to Philadelphia or Pittsburgh or wherever the fuck they hide that thing, and use them to distract the guards while he climbed up on the bell and had some drunk meat-heads climb under it.  And then he’d ride it to freedom.

But the people of Philadelphia, yes it’s definitely in Philadelphia, take their bell guarding duties seriously.  They didn't fall for the people of Chicago’s distraction.  The guards fell upon the meat-heads like Rosie O’Donell on a ham sandwich that’s been slathered in mayonnaise and deep-fried in animal fat.  Jesus jumped right in and started beating the meat-heads, claiming that protecting the bell had been his plan all along.

He was given many awards for bravery, and courage and personal hygiene.  The president held a big ceremony at the White House and the Liberty Bell was flown in by helicopter and given a machine gun.

Jesus partied down at this shindig and got all drunk and put on his adult diapers.  And when it came time to have his picture taken with the bell, he threw several baby chickens and one adult chicken into the crowd, as a distraction, grabbed the bell, machine gun and all, and flew off.

JESUS' ELEVEN

Jesus was living in post-apocalyptic Kentucky in 2016. He had been trying to farm, but a group of radioactive zombie teenagers kept trying to crack his head open and eat his brains and beard. Jesus had troubles enough, what with the vagina shortage, but this was too much. So Jesus packed up his shit and headed to post-apocalyptic Las Vegas.

As soon as Jesus arrived in post-apocalyptic Las Vegas, he began planning a post-apocalyptic casino heist. First, he'd need to recruit a team of top notch thieves. "Eleven sounds like a good number," He told his pet koala bear, Harry.

Jesus lassoed nine radioactive dudes and lowered them down the elevator shaft heading to the vault at the Plaza. The rope was about eighty feet too short, and the zombies all fell to a messy end, leaving Jesus and Harry a nice squishy landing pad.

"You first," Jesus said.

Harry gave him a look out the corner of his eye that said, "Are  you nuts?" Jesus "encouraged" Harry with a sharp kick which sent Harry into the shaft.

"Did you make it?" Jesus called down.

There was a grunt that sounded like a cross between a cat and a monkey, and had a snide tone to it.

"Good enough for me," Jesus laughed as he jumped down.

They made their way to the vault door. They stared at it for a minute before Harry kicked it down. There must have been one or two hundred million in there. "Gimme the bag," Jesus said.

Harry looked at him and shrugged.

"I told you to bring the bag!" Jesus yelled.

The two yelled and screamed at each other for several minutes. "Oh well," Jesus said, "at least we've got all this zombie meat to eat."

Harry agreed, so they sat down and started eating.