MULTIPLICITY (BUT WITH JESUS INSTEAD OF MICHAEL KEATON)

Jesus was in a bind, he was the starting small forward for the Atlanta Hawks, and right wing for the Vancouver Canucks, and both teams were in the playoffs at the same time. He had sworn to himself that he would never do it again, but here he was, about to saw himself in half, longways, then regrow two halves to be two Jesuses again. This never works out, there's always some sort of disaster, like that time in 1483 that one half of Jesus ran away with the queen of Spain, and her husband had to make up that exploration bullshit to cove up Columbus' mission to bring her home. Or that other time in 33 when the one Jesus was supposed to be home doing chores, but instead went out and got crucified. Totally embarrassing.

Jesus readied the laser cutter (it had to be a precise 50/50 cut) and hopped onto the table. Twenty-four hours later, Jesus and Jesus went their separate ways. Jesus was off to Atlanta, while Jesus caught the next flight to Vancouver.

Both teams were doing great, but then it happened... Neil Patrick Harris Threw out his voice. He was staring as Chandler in the Broadway musical, "Friends," and Jesus was his understudy. Vancouver Jesus had to operate on the fly, during the intermission before second period. He took one of his skates and put it upside-down on a fire hydrant, climbed to the roof and cannonballed down. It cut him in two alright, but it wasn't 50/50. The greater-half Jesus regrew fine and raced back to the game. The lesser-half Jesus was barely human, so he called Atlanta Jesus, who had to borrow Ted Turner's laser to cut himself in half. Turner's laser went haywire during the operation and made six Jesuses, all at different percentages.

Eventually, a precise cut was made, and one Jesus rushed to Broadway and saved the day, and both teams won their games. All the reject Jesuses decided to roam around space for awhile, hunting treasure. Two of the Earthbound Jesuses re constituted, but the third Jesus, Evil Jesus decided to remain separate, thus beginning the 10,000 year Civil Jesus War.