THE KEY OF TIME

Jesus was wandering the mean streets of New York looking for a gypsy, Madame Isabelle. Seventeen years ago, she was placed in charge of a key, a very important key, and only Jesus could stop her from using it.

The key was called The Key of Time, and it could be used to reverse time. Jesus knew that Madame Isabelle would use the key to bring back her dead husband, and he couldn't let that happen, 'cause he still owed that guy ten bucks. Isabelle's husband died at Jesus' hand ten years ago exactly. Tonight, and only tonight, The Key of Time could link up with his soul, and only at the site of his death... the basement of the Empire State Building.

Jesus remembered how he'd though it was ironic ten years ago to meet at a famous skyscraper and go to the basement. Anyway, Jesus turned up the collar of his coat and fingered the .38 special in his right pocket as he entered the lobby and headed towards the stairs.

First, he noticed the quiet. Then, the eyes of the man pretending to read the newspaper in the corner. He was walking into a trap. His left hand reached for the door to the stairs, the other for the gun. He turned and sprayed the lobby with bullets as he dove behind the front desk. He missed everyone, but several light fixtures and one potted plant lay shattered on the floor. He reloaded.

Just then, Isabelle entered with a shotgun. Jesus stood up. The pair aimed their weapons at each other. The two stared into each other's eyes, hate filled the room. As a single bead of sweat dripped from Jesus' nose onto the floor, both of them fired their weapons at the same time. Their bodies hit the floor in unison and the man with the paper fled the scene into the night.

Jesus and Isabelle woke up in Heaven, where they were greeted by Isabelle's husband. He demanded his ten bucks, and Jesus grudgingly paid him.

SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON HERE

Jesus was in Hawaii, drunk-surfing and trying to get all the dolphins to help him overthrow the captain of a nearby shrimp boat. The dolphins had a plan of their own, however. The dolphin leader, Julius, was fierce and adorable and planned to one day rule the world. There were just two things standing in his way, feet, or rather lack there of. So Julius agreed to help Jesus if Jesus would help him.

Jesus was skeptical at first, thinking that a world ran by dolphins would probably suck, but after picturing Julius with feet, doing a little dance, he agreed. The shrimp boat captain never knew what hit him (it was a dolphin). So Jesus became the best shrimper in the Pacific, and Julius, with his new feet, began his world conquest on one of Hawaii's smaller islands.

It would be months before the two would meet again. Then 5 AM one Saturday morning, they both reached for the last bear claw at 7-eleven. For a moment, time seemed to stop. Then all hell broke loose. Chunks of flipper and beard and so on were flying about wildly. Just as Julius thrust his bottlenose into Jesus' heart, he felt the sharp sting of Jesus' Kill-ray.

The two met up in Heaven, where Jesus is king. So Jesus banished Julius to Fish Heaven (a huge insult for any water mammal) and spent the rest of the day sitting on his throne glaring, and occasionally pointing at someone and shaking his head disapprovingly.

EVERYONE LOVES A PARADE

Jesus was bored and having a hard time coming up with any fun ideas. He took a look outside and saw, much to his astonishment, a parade. There wasn't a crowd of people watching, though, it was just a bunch of floats depicting Biblical scenes. "Why wasn't I invited to be in the Bible Parade?" he wondered, "I should be grand marshal."

He dug around in his closet and found his old Abraham costume. He hadn't worn it since the third grade, and it was a bit loose on him now that he'd lost all that baby fat. He looked at himself in the mirror for a few and had a good laugh. Then he ran outside.

In his enthusiasm, Jesus tripped over a sprinkler and fell into a pile of dog shit. "Damn it Colton!" Jesus yelled. His neighbor, Colton White, was always letting his dog poop in Jesus' yard. Jesus normally didn't mind, because it kept the homeless from sleeping on his lawn, but now, covered in poop on a Sunday, he minded. Also, of course, an Abraham costume covered in dog poop instantly becomes a Moses costume.

Oh, and the parade was getting pretty far away at this point. So, Jesus pulled an old lady out of her driver's side window and tried to hop in, but the car kept moving, and Jesus couldn't catch up to that either. By now he was feeling pretty shitty (get it, because of the dog shit on his face?).

About a mile ahead of him, Jesus saw the old lady's car crash into a marching band at the back of the parade. The paraders screamed in horror and terrible pain, and Jesus casually turned around and went to poop in Colton's yard.

A BOY AND HIS BRAIN

Jesus was at his local cable access studio, pitching a show about titties. "All we need are close-up shots of boobs bouncing and son on," Jesus explained. His idea was flawless, but the producer or whoever told him that it would never work, and sent him away. The producer then started making the show and taking all the credit for himself.

But Jesus was no fool, he busted out his private-eye robe and followed this producer, Willy I'll call him, around. Jesus developed a particular admiration for how well Willy got results. Willy would approach women calmly and talk to them until they showed their boobs. Whereas Jesus just crept into their rooms while they were sleeping and carefully snipped their P.J.s off with scissors.

Jesus started to wonder why Willy was so much smoother with the ladies. The only thing to do was dissect Willy's brain. Jesus followed Willy home, crept into his room while he was sleeping and carefully snipped off his P.J.s with scissors. Then, Jesus dissected his brain. Willy's brain was full of red stuff, and pink stuff, and blue lines and wrinkles, but contained nothing about women. "What he butt?!" Jesus pondered. Then Jesus decided to dissect his own brain and compare the two.

An hour later, he had his and Willy's brains spread out side by side on Willy's kitchen table. There were several key differences: Jesus' brain was far hairier and danced about more. Then, as Willy's family watched in horror, Jesus' brain raped Willy's brain in its brain-ass. Through this unholy probing, Jesus obtained all of Willy's women-talking-to powers.

Jesus went on to produce the show about titties and several spin-offs. His career is an example to us all.