YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN

Jesus was visiting his birthplace in Bethlehem one day. There was this big ass crowd that kept following him around asking him for money and miracles and autographs.  He tried to slip away so he could go about his mission in peace.  He needed to find that gold the wise-ass gave him when he was born. On her deathbed, his mother told him that she and Joseph had hidden the gold in a secret panel in the barn.

Jesus needed that gold to start his new business venture: loan-sharking money to failed businesses that won't give up the dream. He only had one potential customer so far, but he figured, if he did a good job breaking legs and stuff then this guy would recommend Jesus to all his failed business owner buddies. Jesus found Peter, the owner of the failing store that sold Agent Cody Banks memorabilia  (shirts, hats, posters, action figures, sex toys, coffee mugs, pens, coasters, you name it), at an AA meeting. Jesus went to pick up vulnerable women, but when he heard Peter's idea, he knew he a had a sure fire money maker (the loan sharking, not the Cody Banks store).

First, he'd need that gold. And before that even, he had to ditch the squares. He called everyone together to see a big miracle. Then he stood up in front of them, stripped off his clothes, demanded they all do the same, then turned himself invisible, leaving them all standing there naked, like idiots. Then he snuck off, all invisible like, to the manger.

When Jesus got there, he found that the manger had since been torn down and replaced with a kindergarten. He was filled with rage. He tore the kindergarten apart brick by brick and child by child looking for the gold, but is wasn't there. That dirty inn keeper had stolen it 2000 years ago. So Jesus was forced to borrow money from a loan shark to start his business.

FATHER'S RIGHTS

Jesus was writing a letter to the editor of his local newspaper. He was appalled after reading a story about a young mother of two who had mercilessly killed a puppy with cancer. She didn't give the puppy cancer, it already had cancer, and the mother had it put down to ease it's pain.  But euthanasia is a sin! "Humans don't have the right to play God," Jesus said. "If God willed that puppy to suffer, then that asshole puppy must've done something horrible, like chew up the Pope's hat, or pee in his Pepsi or sell dog secrets to the cats."

Jesus decided to give up on writing the editor and take matters into his own hands. He didn't know the puppy, but he knew the young mother, and where she lived. He knew because he was the father of her children, and he had to send her monthly child support checks. Anyway, she had to be punished for going against God's will, and also for failing to bring the kids to Jesus' court ordered monthly visit!

The problem was the 500 yard restraining order. Jesus would need someone to go revenging for him. Vlade Divac still owed him a favor. He called Vlade and gave him the particulars, and Vlade was on the next flight over.

Jesus picked Vlade up from the airport, and Vlade made some predictable joke about his arms being tired, which caused Jesus to roll his eyes. But Vlade was too tall to fit in Jesus' Trans Am, so Jesus cut his legs off at the knees, causing Vlade to bleed out, and Jesus to get arrested for murder. Jesus didn't mind though, he'd definitely find someone in prison to kill that bitch.

WELCOME TO NEW WHORELEANS

Jesus was enjoying the Mardi Gras festivities at New Whoreleans, the trendy new whore house in Kansas City Missouri, with his friend, Alligator Steve. Alligator Steve was neitgher an alligator nor named Steve, but he did have terrible eczema. His name was Santiago, but it wasn't a good idea to be Mexican in Kansas City, so he went by Steve.

All of a sudden, Joe, the manager of New Whoreleans, burst into the room bleeding from his gut and shouted, "There's a maniac with a chainsaw killing everyone! AAAHHH!!!" Then, mid-scream, a chainsaw tore through his mid-section from behind. Jesus tossed hooker after hooker at the maniac and he cut through them like a hot knife through a butt.

Alligator Steve ran upstairs to get more hookers, and Jesus was left to defend himself with a pair of nunchucks he'd thrown together with a with a beaded necklace and two dildos. The maniac knew he had the advantage, so he crept up slowly. Jesus let him make the first move, then he dildoed him good. But no matter how hard Jesus dildoed him, it was only a minor annoyance to him.

Finally, the maniac cut off Jesus left arm, his nunchuck arm. Just then, Alligator Steve came back with a hooker under each arm and ... left Jesus to bleed to death in horrible agony.

GORBOOBCHEV

Jesus was at the doctor's office pretending to be a male nurse. He paid special attention to the female patients. He would ask them to disrobe, and when they asked for privacy, he would say, "It's okay, I'm a nurse."

Jesus was looking for a particularly ugly birthmark, like the one on Mikhail Gorbachev's head, but on a boob... Gorboobchev, i guess. The girl who bore the boobmark was wanted by Satan for questioning regarding her involvement in the Lance Armstrong doping scandal. Satan wanted to congratulate her on a successful frame-up, and invite her to join his softball team! He talked Jesus in to joining the search by offering him free tickets to the movies and a spot in the out-field on his softball team if he found her.

It took all day, but she finally came in for a free boob exam. Jesus explained the whole situation while the doctor went to town on her titties. She was in.

The first game was against the Oakfield High School girls team. It was a Saturday in September, and the weather was hot. Jesus was the last to show up. Satan's team was first up at bat. Jesus watched the Oakfield pitcher warming up. she was the fastest underhanded pitcher in Hell, but that Gorboobchev chick had already proven her experience in ball-handling, so Jesus and Satan were pretty sure this would be easy. And it was, by the time the young girls got back on the bus to Oakfield, they were bruised and battered, and their spirits crushed. Plus, two or three of them had been traumatized by Jesus in the locker room.

Satan's team went on to become state champions. Satan threw a big pizza party to celebrate, but he went cheap, so everyone only got one slice.